Yes, we did. This afternoon after taking the dogs out, Rocco came bounding onto the porch. He always makes a mad dash for the door anytime anyone says the word "outside". And here he came, all smiles and all boy, and pointed out into the yard where huge raindrops fell onto the grass. And it only took me a second to take off our shoes, and then...go! We danced in the rain. We held up our hands to the sky with reckless abandon. We splashed in puddles, played in the gullywash of the gutter's downspout, and made a memory that we'll never forget. Just me and my boy, er, boys.
You see playing in the rain with Rocco was cleansing for me. It was like a renewal of hope, and spirit, and faith. When I was a little girl I remember getting torn up over the song "Holes in the Floor of Heaven". If you don't know the song, look it up on YouTube. It basically talks about someone you love passing, and how any time it rains it is because there are holes in the floor of Heaven, and that is how we (the living) know that they (our loved ones gone Home) are watching. The song is quite a few (at least 10) years old. And I have always loved it, however it rarely if ever plays on the radio anymore. Except on the day of Lincoln's burial, in the car on the way to the cemetery. And then again on Friday, which marked eight weeks since I had said hello and goodbye to my son. I definitely don't think it was coincidental. Friday was a hard day for me. It kind of hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't really know what the trigger was exactly, but my mind drifted back to that hospital room, and I relived the first moment of holding Lincoln. The tears came in the middle of my office as I listened to songs from Lincoln's compilation cd which I had made as background noise for his funeral. It's funny how a memory can smack you in the face and take you back. And it's ok. I expect that for, well, the rest of my life; but I am sure that it will happen more frequently during the first year of loss. And if someone passed by my office and looked at me funny, I just gave them a smile. It rained on Friday, too, but Friday was one of those days that was dark and dreary from daylight to dusk. So when I heard the song that afternoon, it seemed like a perfect fit for my melancholy mood. Today's rain was different. It was one of those glorious late summer rains where even though the drops fall to the ground, the sun was shining in the background. And it made me happy, for I know that Lincoln was watching with a smile on his face. I was touched recently at church one Sunday while singing in the choir. For some reason it occured to me that I had beheld Lincoln's sweet face with my own eyes even though he was gone, but that he had never had the opportunity to look on the faces of those that loved him (at least on earth!). And I realized as I was singing praise songs that my son was watching his mommy with new eyes, and that he could now see me. How I want him to look down and be proud of me and his daddy and brother! So today as the rain fell, and Rocco looked at me with his big blue eyes full of enthusiasm, I thought "Why not?!" Before Lincoln, I probably would have told him no. We would get too wet, and it would be too much trouble. But I have a renewed sense of how the little things are life's best blessings. So we danced, and laughed, and loved. Rocco helped to heal my heart with his little boy spirit and his appreciation for life, and Lincoln helped heal my heart to make me be a better mommy to Rocco. And I spent the afternoon with my two little boys, and I believe that all of our spirits were lifted.
Lincoln continues to change my life in ways that would have been unfathomable to me before his existence. It is amazing how one tiny life can make such a huge impact on the world! There are so many things that I want to do and plan to do as a result of his life changing impact on me. Some of these things I am not yet ready to share with the world, but others are already in the process or have the wheels in my mind spinning. The first thing that I am hoping to do is to go with my church on a mission trip to Africa. I am the head of the Missions Committee at my church (which means nothing except that I have administrative responsibility for planning meetings!). A few years ago my church sent a team to Kenya to work with an orphange there. I have a heart for children and know that this is one of my spiritual gifts. We have been in a partnership with this orphanage for some time, and I have had the opportunity to speak directly with the pastor that runs the orphanage and to facilitate the shipment of much needed goods to these children (I don't tell you this to pat myself on the back, but just so you'll understand the background of the situation as I tell you the rest of the story!). Seeing the pictures of their smiling faces despite the poverty and need that they live in on a daily basis is balm to the soul. So after the first trip to Kenya, the church committed to going back in a few years to help finish some of the work that we started there. And I have always wanted to go. Then, I found out I was pregnant with Linc. He was due in July and the trip was going to be sometime in February, so it wasn't an opportune time for me to go. Plus, the trip requires alot of immunizations and anti-malarial drugs, which would not be compatible with breast feeding. Besides, there was no way that I could leave that small of a child for a week! So I had resigned myself to the fact that I would have to wait until the next trip. And then Lincoln's death occurred, and my best laid plans had a wrench thrown into them. I am really learning that no matter how much I plan that God's plan is the one that matters, and that everything happens in His great timing. So I began to ask myself if Africa could be a possibility. Then I worried about leaving Rocco. But I began to pray about it, and my heart felt pulled towards Kenya. However, I am one of those people that will absolutely continue to beat a dead horse and question whether or not something is of my own choosing or is actually God's will for my life. So I stood in the shower one day and prayed that God would open the necessary doors and give me a clear direction if He wanted me to go to Africa. And I felt like he answered me by saying "get into My Word". Well, ok God, but that's not really a direct indication of whether or not I should go to Africa, but I will give Your way a shot. Later that evening, I had sat down to read a fabulous book about infant loss entitled "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith. At the end of each chapter, the author includes a few Bible verses. I read alot of chapters that night, but the verse that stuck out in my mind was James 1:2, which says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perserverance". As I know that I am in a season of testing and trials following Lincoln's death, I decided that I would pick up my Bible and read more in James chapter 1. As I turned the page to finish off the chapter, the last verse immediately drew my attention, as I had starred and highlighted it in my Bible. I promise you that at that moment I felt like God literally picked up his hand and whacked me on top of the head. I can also promise you this...He Still Speaks! We just need to take the time to listen. So I am reading, on the same evening that I have asked God for specific direction on whether or not He wants me to go to Africa, and the final verse of James chapter 1 is this: "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this:
to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world". WOW. Honestly, no other words are needed.
As I was sweeping sheetrock dust off the floor of our new home in progress yesterday, the idea struck me that I want to start a nonprofit. Where did that come from? Well, my answer is that it was out of the clear blue sky. I started speaking with me dad about it brieftly, and he wanted to know what exactly I wanted to do. My response: to offer financial aid to others who experience infant loss. Let me explain. Early last week, I received a bill from the hospital for my labor and delivery fee. On Friday, I received a bill from the funeral home for Lincoln's services. It was more than we had originally agreed upon, so I had called the funeral home for confirmation of charges. Turns out it had cost us over $200 just to have his obituary run in the newspaper for two days, and it wasn't even in there on a Sunday, which costs exorbitantly more. And I began to get angry. How dare they profit off the death of my son, a tiny infant whose life had ended before it had begun! Granted, I know that people provided services and that they had a right to render payment, but it is really a gut wrenching thing to have to pay someone to bury your child. And even though many places offer "discounts" when it is an infant, things are still expensive. So I want to start a foundation that will help families to offset these unexpected costs. When you lose a child, money is the last thing on your mind, but I imagine that it becomes a very heavy burden when your child needs a headstone and there just isn't any money in the savings account. I know how important it is for a grieving mother to validate her child's existence to the world through a marker on his or her grave. A placard that will forever be a visible reminder to strangers that this child was wanted and loved. I know that I would have been devastated to think that Lincoln didn't have one. And not only that, but most cemeteries will provide you a plot in "Babyland" if you purchase a stone. Which means that even if you don't have the money, you have to purchase the stone and pay for it on credit. I wonder how many families have gotten themselves into a financial hardship because they just wanted a marker for their child? So my brainchild idea is to start a foundation that will assist families with these types of expenses. Maybe it is totally far-fetched, or maybe the idea is not at all feasible, but I am planning for the future. I wish there would never be a reason for a foundation such as this to exist, but unfortunately we live in a fallen world and babies don't always survive. My hope is to carry on Lincoln's Legacy by helping others, and maybe one day my idea will come to fruition and can bless another family in a similar situation. If I can help ease the burden of them even just a little, then I will have completed my mission successfully :)
It is very important to me to be Lincoln's voice in this world since he didn't get the chance to have one. I feel so inspired to do so much more for others and to give more of myself. I want his legacy to be an example of hope, faith, and love to others. I also don't want Rocco or any other subsequent children that I might have feel like they can't measure up to the idea of Lincoln. Maybe that sounds strange, but I think other people that have lost children can sympathize with how I feel. I never want Rocco to feel like he can't compete with the idea of Lincoln and Lincoln's impact on my life. It is really important to me, however, that Rocco knows that his little brother was such a fighter, and that we are going to use his death as a catalyst for good. If nothing else, Lincoln's legacy was a catalyst to ignite change in our lives by making us more loving, more giving, and more faithful; and it is our legacy to ignite change in the world by carrying on his love. And His love. Lincoln's death has changed my walk with the Father. I feel bolder and more confident in speaking about His goodness, and I welcome the opportunity. And while I am mentioning that, I will say that it is ok to say Lincoln's name in front of me. It is ok to ask me about him. In fact, I welcome it! Please don't let Lincoln be the elephant in the room. Just like any mommy, I am so proud of my son and want to talk about him. How beautiful he was, how much he weighed, how he looked like Rocco and his daddy. How he has changed our lives forever, and how God has shown us His grace throughout this journey.
I feel like I still have so much to say, but I am just too tired and my thoughts aren't as coherent as they need to be. I get so sidetracked telling stories that I forget what I really meant to type! I guess that just means more entries in the future :) I have always had a dream and a life goal to write a book. I had always thought it would be a children's book, though. Who knows? Maybe it will be, or maybe it will be something else. Maybe I will publish my blog writings into a book one day. Until then, everyone can just enjoy my heartfelt ramblings free of charge :)
May you take the time to appreciate the small blessings, and may you never be too busy to dance in the rain!
Lindsey
