Where to begin this time? How about with my last doctor's appointment on Monday, where I endured the ever famous glucose tolerance test (aka testing for gestational diabetes). This test always brings an impending sense of dread. I had gestational diabetes with Rocco, and the odds of having it a second time are much greater if you have had it previously. So I went in on Monday morning expecting to sit for three hours while I waited to give blood the required amount of times...enough poking to make me look like a drug user in one arm. Ugh! So there I sat, languishing over the likely potential for failure. Anyone who knows me personally knows that failing a test and my name do not go in the same sentence :) I was an extremely anal student, and to this day I still have (literal) nightmares that I show up for class and have either not studied for an exam or forgotten my homework. (Yes, I know, I am SUCH a dork!) Test over, I went on with my day, awaiting the dreaded phone call with negative results. Phone calls are only made when you fail, so I was praying that my phone wouldn't ring! And when 4:30 rolled around and I hadn't heard from the nurse, I was getting pretty excited. Of course, I didn't really believe that I had passed the test until the next evening...I was so sure that somehow the nurses had been too busy to call and tell me the bad news on that day, so I wasn't going to celebrate until two days passed with no phone calls :) And guess what....I PASSED! This was an exciting moment for me for a few reasons: a. it is so much more healthy for Lincoln AND for me (best reason) and b. I LOVE sweets! I can't help it, and I AM pregnant! So now I get to indulge in the occasional extra special dessert and not have to worry about checking my sugar or counting carbs. Thank goodness! Definitely a little blessing and an answered prayer!
I didn't have an ultrasound at my office visit that day, just a doppler to hear the heartbeat. Heart is still going strong at 140 bpm, and all other things seem stable. And I still have a hard time wrapping my brain around it. Have I mentioned how active he is?! Also, Tommy felt him kick for the first time last Sunday on the way home from church. It was so wonderful I thought I was going to cry! The excitement of Lincoln's daddy getting to feel his movements and bond with him in that way for the first time was so awesome. Tommy looked so proud, and he has actually felt him just about every day since then. Lincoln is such a little trickster, he was just joking with his daddy and playing shy. I have no idea where he gets that sense of humor :)
So last night I had a little moment. We have been so busy and things have been going so well that I have managed to not sit around and just think about all of the what ifs and possible scenarios. But, last night, I attended a friend's wedding. And it was beautiful, and emotional (I always cry at weddings), and it was hard for me. I was doing fine up until the dj called for the groom to dance with his momma. Even fine up until the point when they asked all mothers and sons to join them on the dance floor...and that is when I lost it. I had to get up and hustle to the bathroom. And then the tears came (so they may have come before then, but I was trying to disguise them as the usual wedding emotions). I couldn't help but think that in all likelihood Lincoln and I won't dance at his wedding, that I won't see him graduate, and that I won't get to hold his first baby. And I just became overwhelmed with a feeling of helpless emotion. But some good friends expected my feelings and followed me to the restroom, and I was wrapped in loving hugs and the reassurance of God's love for me. Then I dried it up and went out to continue the celebration of new beginnings and everlasting love. And I started thinking of all of the things in life that are unknown. There are no guarantees. It is possible that even Rocco and I may never dance at his wedding. Maybe he'll never get married, or maybe I won't be around. I pray that God will allow me the privilege of seeing my children grow and prosper, and God-willing, to be a grandma, too! But only He knows the map of our futures. And you know, I wouldn't even want to know anyways. If I knew when my time on earth was up, I know for a fact that I would do things differently. We all would. But I also think that I would miss out on all of those little moments in life that are so mundane, and ordinary, and well...perfect. And I started to thank God for rocking chairs on front porches, the sound of Rocco's laughter, when my husband takes my hand for no apparent reason, and the sneaky smile that I share with my dad as we are trying to play a trick on my gullible mom (and all the good southern girls say "bless her heart!"). And I am reminded again that each day is a blessing. Each hour, each minute, each second, each breath. And Lincoln is my blessing. Each day that my pregnancy continues, each minute up until his birth, and each little breath that he will breathe when he makes his entrance into this crazy world. And I thank God for little blessings. And that I don't know what He plans for Lincoln, but I trust that whatever it is is in His hands, and is already marked on the roadmap of Lincoln's sweet life. And I try to take a moment to just breathe, and to take in all of the lessons that He is sharing with me on this journey. And I ask Him for the ability to continue with a positive attitude, and a mindset of His grace and mercy being sufficient for me during this time. I pray that He will forgive my doubts and my fears about tomorrow, instead of placing everything in His hands. The truth is that I don't need to study for this test, because I know the answers reside in my heart because He is there. And He doesn't ever fail. Ever. He always knows the answers, even when my troubled heart wants to deny the truths or second guess His guidance. And because He is such an awesome teacher, He never fails to gently show me how His way is always the right way.
I must admit, I have had some difficulty with my prayers recently. My heart longs to trust fully in His will for Lincoln, but my flesh wants to beg Him for mercy and healing for my sweet boy. What mother wouldn't want that? And I begin to ask myself if it is contradictory for me to pray for His will, but at the same time to pray for total healing for Lincoln? I have come to the realization that although it is right for me to pray for His will, it is also right for me to lay my heart at His feet and to ask Him for the desires of my heart. The scripture says that He wants to give me the desires of my heart, and He wants me to ask Him. But He also expects for me to bend to His will for my life. I guess that means that no matter what happens, I can always ask for what I want or need, and He will make the ultimate decision about whether or not that is truly something that is right for me. And when He decides, I need to trust in His plan. After all, He has the map. And in the times when my heart is so broken and I don't know or can't even begin to pray, I lean on His word in Romans 8:26-27 "In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words; and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God". I thank God for sending me His Holy Spirit, because I cannot count the times that I have sat in His presence with no words, but an ache in my heart that speaks volumes louder than anything I could express with mere murmurings.
So I thank Him for the intercession of the Holy Spirit, for His blessings on me, and for little moments that bring joy and life to the routine of every day. Oh, and for cookie cakes :)
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
26 Weeks and Counting
So yesterday was Lincoln's first doctor visit in a month...time seemed to fly but also to drag! We were so excited for the opportunity to see our little man again! I feel so much like I already know him as he is always with me and kicking around like crazy, but I feel bad that Tommy still hasn't been able to feel his kicks. Not unusual with my children, as Rocco liked to play oppossum when his daddy tried to feel his movements, too. Was reassured at the appointment yesterday that Tommy should be able to feel him very soon :)
Now, on for the news everyone has been waiting for! When we left the doctor we felt like we had a really great appointment. Everyone seemed really happy to see us (I know, most likely my imagination again!), and we were just happy to be there. Lincoln's ultrasound went really well. We had our favorite ultrasound tech, and now that there is an actual diagnosis it seems like everyone is more willing to tell us information. I guess there is less of a liability that they might tell us something incorrect than before, or else they have just gotten more accustomed to us and all of our questions :) Here is a rundown of all of the particulars:
1. Cerebellum - At last appointment, the cerebellum measured four weeks behind. This time, it only measured three weeks behind, so we had a little bit of "catch-up". Praise God for small blessings!
2. Fetal Bladder and Kidneys - Look good. Ultrasonographer said that if she was measuring any other 26 week old that had the same size kidneys/bladder as Lincoln's that they would be classified as normal. Praise God!
3. Growth is right on track for a baby of his gestational age. He weighed in at a whopping 1 lb. 13 oz., so almost two full pounds already. I knew the kicks were getting harder, but geesh! I guess I have been expecting a "small for term" baby as they like to say, but they said he was right on track for growth. He did measure 30th percentile, which is alot smaller than Rocco ever was, but I am hoping that means as easier delivery :) Overall, they were very happy with his growth pattern.
4. Amniotic fluid looks good, blood flow in the cord still good. Everything appears to be stable!
5. No evidence of a cleft lip. We saw his little face and he just looked so sweet!
6. Heart - Only area that had not been closely looked at previously. From all appearances, valves, etc. seem to be working fine. No holes or abnormalities of that type were seen. The right side of the heart did appear slightly enlarged, so a stenosis is expected at some place, but very unlikely that we will be able to see on ultrasound (a stenosis is just a narrowing of an artery somewhere). I think when she told us there was a stenosis that she didn't expect us to know what that was....but, being the medically minded people that we are (ha!), we knew from experience with none other than our dog! Our dog is a miracle dog in his own right and the story is too long to share here, but basically he is a walking miracle, too! Therefore, from our experience with the dog, we know that proper treatment can alleviate the symptoms of a stenosis in some cases to prevent surgical intervention. I guess in the grand scheme of things, this didn't seem like such a big deal, and we will just watch it and wait to see what happens. I know, it sounds ridiculous to not be worrying about a heart issue, but we are learning to not sweat the small stuff. Right now, Lincoln's survival is first and foremost on our minds. We'll deal with whatever comes after that.
One very sweet thing that touched me about the ultrasound was regarding Lincoln's little baby feet. For some reason at night when I am sleepy and trying to fall asleep, I unconsciously rub my feet together. I have always done this and I guess it must be comforting to me. I don't even realize I am doing it until Tommy will stick his foot over on my feet and pin them down because I am "making the covers move too much" with my feet rubbing. I think it must be an inherited trait, because my mom also does this :) So we are watching the ultrasound and trying to get a good look at Lincoln's feet, only to discover that he has one foot on top of the other and appears to be rubbing his feet together. When the sonographer commented on it, Tommy and I both smiled and told her about my bizarre habit. Seems that he definitely inherited this from his mommy! We even got a little picture of his feet on top of each other. Already so much like his momma, bless his sweet heart!
We had a wonderful Easter Sunday and celebrated our Risen Savior, and then on Easter evening Tommy surprised me with tickets to Cirque du Soleil as an early birthday present. It was very loud in the arena, and I swear Lincoln has never kicked quite so much as he did during the show. He must have been ultra stimulated by all of the loud noise and the bright flashing lights, not to mention the very cold Sprite that I was sipping! I just never tire of feeling him rustle around in my belly.
Oh, and I almost forgot to mention my answered prayer! As I had said in the last post, I was pretty sure that Lincoln had turned head down...and he has! I know it is still early, but I was relieved and thankful to God for providing me that sense of peace. I was worried because from alot of literature I have read, babies with special needs often can't figure out how to turn in the womb for some reason. Now I know for sure that Lincoln can and will, as I am sure he is going to be rolling around happily for several weeks to come before he settles into his final birthing position. Still, I praise God for small blessings!
Please continue to pray for baby Lincoln. We are praying for God's will in his life, and just asking that if it be His will, that Lincoln be healed of Trisomy 13. We continue to pray for what is best for Lincoln regardless of what happens. I continue to be inspired and encouraged by stories of survival and hope, a good example of which is Bella Santorum. Please keep this child in your prayers as well as she was recently released from the hospital for complications from Trisomy 18. Regardless of political affiliation, the Santorum family has been an advocate for the children affected by trisomies, and I am thankful to hear of their story of hope and faith in regards to their little girl.
Also at our appointment, a very pregnant woman walked into the office with her wallet and none other than her pack of Marlboro reds. I was so disgusted and thought "REALLY?" Have you no shame? Then God laid it on my heart to pray for her and her baby. Her name was Kristin. Please join me in lifting her up. We don't know the situation, but God does, and he knows her baby as well. I pray for the baby's health and safekeeping, too.
I continue to be amazed at the blessings being poured over me and Tommy during this time. Someone shared a story with me today about a man who was going thru alot of storms. He was deep in the valley, but he was so excited and happy about being there. When asked why, he replied that he knew that he would be marching up the mountain soon, and that God had wonderful plans for his journey up the side of the hill and to the top. Wow, what a wonderful testimony of how we should praise God in our darkest hours! I pray that His grace and mercy would cover me in my darkest times so that I might continue to sing His praises and realize that His plan for me will be worth it all in the end.
With love, hope for Lincoln, and faith in His plan...
Now, on for the news everyone has been waiting for! When we left the doctor we felt like we had a really great appointment. Everyone seemed really happy to see us (I know, most likely my imagination again!), and we were just happy to be there. Lincoln's ultrasound went really well. We had our favorite ultrasound tech, and now that there is an actual diagnosis it seems like everyone is more willing to tell us information. I guess there is less of a liability that they might tell us something incorrect than before, or else they have just gotten more accustomed to us and all of our questions :) Here is a rundown of all of the particulars:
1. Cerebellum - At last appointment, the cerebellum measured four weeks behind. This time, it only measured three weeks behind, so we had a little bit of "catch-up". Praise God for small blessings!
2. Fetal Bladder and Kidneys - Look good. Ultrasonographer said that if she was measuring any other 26 week old that had the same size kidneys/bladder as Lincoln's that they would be classified as normal. Praise God!
3. Growth is right on track for a baby of his gestational age. He weighed in at a whopping 1 lb. 13 oz., so almost two full pounds already. I knew the kicks were getting harder, but geesh! I guess I have been expecting a "small for term" baby as they like to say, but they said he was right on track for growth. He did measure 30th percentile, which is alot smaller than Rocco ever was, but I am hoping that means as easier delivery :) Overall, they were very happy with his growth pattern.
4. Amniotic fluid looks good, blood flow in the cord still good. Everything appears to be stable!
5. No evidence of a cleft lip. We saw his little face and he just looked so sweet!
6. Heart - Only area that had not been closely looked at previously. From all appearances, valves, etc. seem to be working fine. No holes or abnormalities of that type were seen. The right side of the heart did appear slightly enlarged, so a stenosis is expected at some place, but very unlikely that we will be able to see on ultrasound (a stenosis is just a narrowing of an artery somewhere). I think when she told us there was a stenosis that she didn't expect us to know what that was....but, being the medically minded people that we are (ha!), we knew from experience with none other than our dog! Our dog is a miracle dog in his own right and the story is too long to share here, but basically he is a walking miracle, too! Therefore, from our experience with the dog, we know that proper treatment can alleviate the symptoms of a stenosis in some cases to prevent surgical intervention. I guess in the grand scheme of things, this didn't seem like such a big deal, and we will just watch it and wait to see what happens. I know, it sounds ridiculous to not be worrying about a heart issue, but we are learning to not sweat the small stuff. Right now, Lincoln's survival is first and foremost on our minds. We'll deal with whatever comes after that.
One very sweet thing that touched me about the ultrasound was regarding Lincoln's little baby feet. For some reason at night when I am sleepy and trying to fall asleep, I unconsciously rub my feet together. I have always done this and I guess it must be comforting to me. I don't even realize I am doing it until Tommy will stick his foot over on my feet and pin them down because I am "making the covers move too much" with my feet rubbing. I think it must be an inherited trait, because my mom also does this :) So we are watching the ultrasound and trying to get a good look at Lincoln's feet, only to discover that he has one foot on top of the other and appears to be rubbing his feet together. When the sonographer commented on it, Tommy and I both smiled and told her about my bizarre habit. Seems that he definitely inherited this from his mommy! We even got a little picture of his feet on top of each other. Already so much like his momma, bless his sweet heart!
We had a wonderful Easter Sunday and celebrated our Risen Savior, and then on Easter evening Tommy surprised me with tickets to Cirque du Soleil as an early birthday present. It was very loud in the arena, and I swear Lincoln has never kicked quite so much as he did during the show. He must have been ultra stimulated by all of the loud noise and the bright flashing lights, not to mention the very cold Sprite that I was sipping! I just never tire of feeling him rustle around in my belly.
Oh, and I almost forgot to mention my answered prayer! As I had said in the last post, I was pretty sure that Lincoln had turned head down...and he has! I know it is still early, but I was relieved and thankful to God for providing me that sense of peace. I was worried because from alot of literature I have read, babies with special needs often can't figure out how to turn in the womb for some reason. Now I know for sure that Lincoln can and will, as I am sure he is going to be rolling around happily for several weeks to come before he settles into his final birthing position. Still, I praise God for small blessings!
Please continue to pray for baby Lincoln. We are praying for God's will in his life, and just asking that if it be His will, that Lincoln be healed of Trisomy 13. We continue to pray for what is best for Lincoln regardless of what happens. I continue to be inspired and encouraged by stories of survival and hope, a good example of which is Bella Santorum. Please keep this child in your prayers as well as she was recently released from the hospital for complications from Trisomy 18. Regardless of political affiliation, the Santorum family has been an advocate for the children affected by trisomies, and I am thankful to hear of their story of hope and faith in regards to their little girl.
Also at our appointment, a very pregnant woman walked into the office with her wallet and none other than her pack of Marlboro reds. I was so disgusted and thought "REALLY?" Have you no shame? Then God laid it on my heart to pray for her and her baby. Her name was Kristin. Please join me in lifting her up. We don't know the situation, but God does, and he knows her baby as well. I pray for the baby's health and safekeeping, too.
I continue to be amazed at the blessings being poured over me and Tommy during this time. Someone shared a story with me today about a man who was going thru alot of storms. He was deep in the valley, but he was so excited and happy about being there. When asked why, he replied that he knew that he would be marching up the mountain soon, and that God had wonderful plans for his journey up the side of the hill and to the top. Wow, what a wonderful testimony of how we should praise God in our darkest hours! I pray that His grace and mercy would cover me in my darkest times so that I might continue to sing His praises and realize that His plan for me will be worth it all in the end.
With love, hope for Lincoln, and faith in His plan...
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Anticipation
So it has been over a week since I have written. There are lots of reasons, but one is just that I haven't been in the mood. I think lots of writers (ha! I am including myself in that category!) will tell you that it seems easier to write in times of desperation. I don't really know why...why can't we share our joy when things are going well? I guess what I am trying to say is that I have just been too content and happy with life these last few days :)
As we are in the middle of Holy Week, I find myself anticipating the celebration of Easter. What a joyful time of year for Christians! I feel like alot of times Easter just seems to be overlooked, in a sense. Without the worldly trappings of Santa Claus, jingle bells, and eight tiny reindeer, non-believers definitely don't have much to occupy their minds; unfortunately, without this type of decorum, I think alot of believers get lost in the mix, too. I want to encourage everyone to really take the time to CELEBRATE Easter this season. Without Easter, there is no salvation. No gift of eternity with Jesus. No hope in this life or any other. Thank Him for that this year. Anticipate Easter and all of the blessings that you have!
I am also anticipating my next doctor's appointment. We go back to the doctor on Monday and I am very excited. It has been a whole month since we have been and gotten to see sweet Lincoln on ultrasound. I think a month is the longest I have ever gone in a pregnancy with no doctor visits. I think I went a minimum of every two weeks with Rocco, so a month has seemed like quite a long time! It has actually passed very quickly, but I can't wait to see Lincoln's little face again! He has been VERY active lately, and I know that he is growing quite big and strong. His little kicks are getting alot harder and much more frequent, so I know that he is a growing boy...not to mention the growing size of my belly. I oftentimes forget his diagnosis as he seems to be growing so perfectly inside my womb. I would have thought that he wouldn't have been as active or as big as a child with the "correct" number of chromosomes, but he is surprising me everyday. Thank God! I find such joy in each little kick, and I am just so thankful to have this time to just absorb this pregnancy and its delightfulness. I am one of those women that is unduly and nauseatingly happy with being pregnant. I absolutely love everything about it...maybe that is because we tried for so long and so hard to have children, and I just feel supremely blessed by the opportunity to carry a child.
I must admit, however, that I have been apprehensive this month. It is so difficult to deal with all of the emotions of what should I do, what should I believe, are we making the right decisions about the birth plan, etc. etc. Everywhere I go I am inundated with information and opinions, and it can be hard to keep focus. For instance, I have been very apprehensive because Lincoln was previously in a breech position. First of all, I am only 25 weeks. Not something I really need to be worrying about, but something that my OCD has had me obsessing over. Lord, please forgive my unbelief in Your perfect timing and Your plan! This is just one small example of something I have had to pray about and just give up to God. I know that He is going to take care of me throughout this whole process, and that He ultimately knows what is best for me and Lincoln, but at the end of the day I am still human and sometimes doubts arise in my mind. However, I started praying that Lincoln would not be breech at our next appointment, and I can say that I truly think God has already answered my prayer. In the last few days in Lincoln's very active moments, I have been feeling his punches and kicks on the upper part of my stomach. I am pretty sure he couldn't punch this hard with his little hand, so I am thinking it has to be a little foot. Another thing that seems a little strange is that I have an anterior placenta, so I supposedly should not be able to feel as much movement as I did with Rocco, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I am SO thankful to God that I am feeling each tiny movement, as I am so reassured by each one. Praise the Lord!
I have two things I wanted to share with you regarding my studies of the scriptures that have really touched me lately. First, I was reading about Lazarus. Lazarus was a dear friend of Jesus, and everyone knows that Lazarus passed away while Jesus was away. When Jesus returned to find the sisters of Lazarus devastated over his death, He also became filled with sorrow. And, as all good little Sunday School children know as the Bible trivia answer of "What is the shortest verse in the Bible?"....Jesus wept. Two little words. And the night I read them they hit me like a one-two punch. Jesus wept. He wept for the loss of His dear friend, for the pain of Lazarus' family, and he wept for...me. Jesus understands my pain and suffering, He understands what I am going through, and He cares. I have heard this verse a thousand times and it never touched me in the same way. Jesus was fully human and fully God. He knows what it is like to suffer adversity, sadness, feelings of hopelessness and despair. He understands. He is empathetic to my needs and my fears. He weeps with me when I weep, and He catches each of my tears in His hand and intercedes with the Father for me. Wow. What a blessing to be thankful for this Easter.
The next passage that struck me was in Luke as Jesus went to the Garden to pray to His Father. Jesus prayed fervently that His life be spared and that if there was any other way to redeem the world, that God might make it so (note that this is my paraphrasing and some of my own conjecture). Jesus knew the pain that was to come to Him. He knew God's plan and he pleaded with God for mercy. Jesus, God's own son, pleaded with His Father for a different outcome. How often have I done that?! How often do I want what I think is best for me, not what my Father in Heaven has planned? Ultimately, Jesus consecrates His own will to align perfectly with the plans of His Father. "Not my will, but Yours be done." What a truly amazing example. I thought this was so profound. Here is Jesus, God in the flesh, praying to His Father for a potentially different outcome than his cruel death on the cross. Jesus was fully human. He had to be terrified at the prospect of what was to come. He knew the depths of suffering that were in store, and he begged the Father for another way, if possible. But God knew the only way to give salvation to EVERYONE was for Jesus to hang on that tree at Calvary and die for our sins. And Jesus matched His will with the will of His Father, and I am the one to gain. Lord, help me to never forget the gravity of the gift that you provided in the crucifixion of your Son. Father God, I pray for the strength and the courage to accept Your perfect will for my life and for Lincoln's, and I pray for peace in knowing that You hold our futures in Your mighty hands. Help me to know that there is nothing that I can say or do that is better than Your will for me.
I feel like I have done alot of preaching in this blog :) (Look out Pastor Marc!) But God is continually revealing His blessings to me throughout this pregnancy. He has drawn me closer to Him than ever before, and He is giving me peace, strength, courage, and a willingness to share His story through the events of my life that I have never been comfortable sharing before. And all of this is a part of Lincoln's Legacy. God shared His Son with the entire world as a sacrifice for our sins, and I feel that He wants me to share Lincoln's story as a way to bless others. I have felt so incredibly blessed by so many family and friends and even complete strangers. It is hard to explain, but I want to be able to bless and help others during this time. It is hard to be the one to receive all of the blessings and not want to go out and do something for someone else. I am still trying to learn to give less of me, and more of Him that is within me. Please continue to pray for our doctor's appointment on Monday. I would ask for total healing for my son; but ultimately, may Your will be done, and may whatever happens be what is best for Lincoln.
As we are in the middle of Holy Week, I find myself anticipating the celebration of Easter. What a joyful time of year for Christians! I feel like alot of times Easter just seems to be overlooked, in a sense. Without the worldly trappings of Santa Claus, jingle bells, and eight tiny reindeer, non-believers definitely don't have much to occupy their minds; unfortunately, without this type of decorum, I think alot of believers get lost in the mix, too. I want to encourage everyone to really take the time to CELEBRATE Easter this season. Without Easter, there is no salvation. No gift of eternity with Jesus. No hope in this life or any other. Thank Him for that this year. Anticipate Easter and all of the blessings that you have!
I am also anticipating my next doctor's appointment. We go back to the doctor on Monday and I am very excited. It has been a whole month since we have been and gotten to see sweet Lincoln on ultrasound. I think a month is the longest I have ever gone in a pregnancy with no doctor visits. I think I went a minimum of every two weeks with Rocco, so a month has seemed like quite a long time! It has actually passed very quickly, but I can't wait to see Lincoln's little face again! He has been VERY active lately, and I know that he is growing quite big and strong. His little kicks are getting alot harder and much more frequent, so I know that he is a growing boy...not to mention the growing size of my belly. I oftentimes forget his diagnosis as he seems to be growing so perfectly inside my womb. I would have thought that he wouldn't have been as active or as big as a child with the "correct" number of chromosomes, but he is surprising me everyday. Thank God! I find such joy in each little kick, and I am just so thankful to have this time to just absorb this pregnancy and its delightfulness. I am one of those women that is unduly and nauseatingly happy with being pregnant. I absolutely love everything about it...maybe that is because we tried for so long and so hard to have children, and I just feel supremely blessed by the opportunity to carry a child.
I must admit, however, that I have been apprehensive this month. It is so difficult to deal with all of the emotions of what should I do, what should I believe, are we making the right decisions about the birth plan, etc. etc. Everywhere I go I am inundated with information and opinions, and it can be hard to keep focus. For instance, I have been very apprehensive because Lincoln was previously in a breech position. First of all, I am only 25 weeks. Not something I really need to be worrying about, but something that my OCD has had me obsessing over. Lord, please forgive my unbelief in Your perfect timing and Your plan! This is just one small example of something I have had to pray about and just give up to God. I know that He is going to take care of me throughout this whole process, and that He ultimately knows what is best for me and Lincoln, but at the end of the day I am still human and sometimes doubts arise in my mind. However, I started praying that Lincoln would not be breech at our next appointment, and I can say that I truly think God has already answered my prayer. In the last few days in Lincoln's very active moments, I have been feeling his punches and kicks on the upper part of my stomach. I am pretty sure he couldn't punch this hard with his little hand, so I am thinking it has to be a little foot. Another thing that seems a little strange is that I have an anterior placenta, so I supposedly should not be able to feel as much movement as I did with Rocco, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I am SO thankful to God that I am feeling each tiny movement, as I am so reassured by each one. Praise the Lord!
I have two things I wanted to share with you regarding my studies of the scriptures that have really touched me lately. First, I was reading about Lazarus. Lazarus was a dear friend of Jesus, and everyone knows that Lazarus passed away while Jesus was away. When Jesus returned to find the sisters of Lazarus devastated over his death, He also became filled with sorrow. And, as all good little Sunday School children know as the Bible trivia answer of "What is the shortest verse in the Bible?"....Jesus wept. Two little words. And the night I read them they hit me like a one-two punch. Jesus wept. He wept for the loss of His dear friend, for the pain of Lazarus' family, and he wept for...me. Jesus understands my pain and suffering, He understands what I am going through, and He cares. I have heard this verse a thousand times and it never touched me in the same way. Jesus was fully human and fully God. He knows what it is like to suffer adversity, sadness, feelings of hopelessness and despair. He understands. He is empathetic to my needs and my fears. He weeps with me when I weep, and He catches each of my tears in His hand and intercedes with the Father for me. Wow. What a blessing to be thankful for this Easter.
The next passage that struck me was in Luke as Jesus went to the Garden to pray to His Father. Jesus prayed fervently that His life be spared and that if there was any other way to redeem the world, that God might make it so (note that this is my paraphrasing and some of my own conjecture). Jesus knew the pain that was to come to Him. He knew God's plan and he pleaded with God for mercy. Jesus, God's own son, pleaded with His Father for a different outcome. How often have I done that?! How often do I want what I think is best for me, not what my Father in Heaven has planned? Ultimately, Jesus consecrates His own will to align perfectly with the plans of His Father. "Not my will, but Yours be done." What a truly amazing example. I thought this was so profound. Here is Jesus, God in the flesh, praying to His Father for a potentially different outcome than his cruel death on the cross. Jesus was fully human. He had to be terrified at the prospect of what was to come. He knew the depths of suffering that were in store, and he begged the Father for another way, if possible. But God knew the only way to give salvation to EVERYONE was for Jesus to hang on that tree at Calvary and die for our sins. And Jesus matched His will with the will of His Father, and I am the one to gain. Lord, help me to never forget the gravity of the gift that you provided in the crucifixion of your Son. Father God, I pray for the strength and the courage to accept Your perfect will for my life and for Lincoln's, and I pray for peace in knowing that You hold our futures in Your mighty hands. Help me to know that there is nothing that I can say or do that is better than Your will for me.
I feel like I have done alot of preaching in this blog :) (Look out Pastor Marc!) But God is continually revealing His blessings to me throughout this pregnancy. He has drawn me closer to Him than ever before, and He is giving me peace, strength, courage, and a willingness to share His story through the events of my life that I have never been comfortable sharing before. And all of this is a part of Lincoln's Legacy. God shared His Son with the entire world as a sacrifice for our sins, and I feel that He wants me to share Lincoln's story as a way to bless others. I have felt so incredibly blessed by so many family and friends and even complete strangers. It is hard to explain, but I want to be able to bless and help others during this time. It is hard to be the one to receive all of the blessings and not want to go out and do something for someone else. I am still trying to learn to give less of me, and more of Him that is within me. Please continue to pray for our doctor's appointment on Monday. I would ask for total healing for my son; but ultimately, may Your will be done, and may whatever happens be what is best for Lincoln.
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