Anticipation

So it has been over a week since I have written. There are lots of reasons, but one is just that I haven't been in the mood. I think lots of writers (ha! I am including myself in that category!) will tell you that it seems easier to write in times of desperation. I don't really know why...why can't we share our joy when things are going well? I guess what I am trying to say is that I have just been too content and happy with life these last few days :)

As we are in the middle of Holy Week, I find myself anticipating the celebration of Easter. What a joyful time of year for Christians! I feel like alot of times Easter just seems to be overlooked, in a sense. Without the worldly trappings of Santa Claus, jingle bells, and eight tiny reindeer, non-believers definitely don't have much to occupy their minds; unfortunately, without this type of decorum, I think alot of believers get lost in the mix, too. I want to encourage everyone to really take the time to CELEBRATE Easter this season. Without Easter, there is no salvation. No gift of eternity with Jesus. No hope in this life or any other. Thank Him for that this year. Anticipate Easter and all of the blessings that you have!

I am also anticipating my next doctor's appointment. We go back to the doctor on Monday and I am very excited. It has been a whole month since we have been and gotten to see sweet Lincoln on ultrasound. I think a month is the longest I have ever gone in a pregnancy with no doctor visits. I think I went a minimum of every two weeks with Rocco, so a month has seemed like quite a long time! It has actually passed very quickly, but I can't wait to see Lincoln's little face again! He has been VERY active lately, and I know that he is growing quite big and strong. His little kicks are getting alot harder and much more frequent, so I know that he is a growing boy...not to mention the growing size of my belly. I oftentimes forget his diagnosis as he seems to be growing so perfectly inside my womb. I would have thought that he wouldn't have been as active or as big as a child with the "correct" number of chromosomes, but he is surprising me everyday. Thank God! I find such joy in each little kick, and I am just so thankful to have this time to just absorb this pregnancy and its delightfulness. I am one of those women that is unduly and nauseatingly happy with being pregnant. I absolutely love everything about it...maybe that is because we tried for so long and so hard to have children, and I just feel supremely blessed by the opportunity to carry a child.

I must admit, however, that I have been apprehensive this month. It is so difficult to deal with all of the emotions of what should I do, what should I believe, are we making the right decisions about the birth plan, etc. etc. Everywhere I go I am inundated with information and opinions, and it can be hard to keep focus. For instance, I have been very apprehensive because Lincoln was previously in a breech position. First of all, I am only 25 weeks. Not something I really need to be worrying about, but something that my OCD has had me obsessing over. Lord, please forgive my unbelief in Your perfect timing and Your plan! This is just one small example of something I have had to pray about and just give up to God. I know that He is going to take care of me throughout this whole process, and that He ultimately knows what is best for me and Lincoln, but at the end of the day I am still human and sometimes doubts arise in my mind. However, I started praying that Lincoln would not be breech at our next appointment, and I can say that I truly think God has already answered my prayer. In the last few days in Lincoln's very active moments, I have been feeling his punches and kicks on the upper part of my stomach. I am pretty sure he couldn't punch this hard with his little hand, so I am thinking it has to be a little foot. Another thing that seems a little strange is that I have an anterior placenta, so I supposedly should not be able to feel as much movement as I did with Rocco, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I am SO thankful to God that I  am feeling each tiny movement, as I am so reassured by each one. Praise the Lord!

I have two things I wanted to share with you regarding my studies of the scriptures that have really touched me lately. First, I was reading about Lazarus. Lazarus was a dear friend of Jesus, and everyone knows that Lazarus passed away while Jesus was away. When Jesus returned to find the sisters of Lazarus devastated over his death, He also became filled with sorrow. And, as all good little Sunday School children know as the Bible trivia answer of "What is the shortest verse in the Bible?"....Jesus wept. Two little words. And the night I read them they hit me like a one-two punch. Jesus wept. He wept for the loss of His dear friend, for the pain of Lazarus' family, and he wept for...me. Jesus understands my pain and suffering, He understands what I am going through, and He cares. I have heard this verse a thousand times and it never touched me in the same way. Jesus was fully human and fully God. He knows what it is like to suffer adversity, sadness, feelings of hopelessness and despair. He understands. He is empathetic to my needs and my fears. He weeps with me when I weep, and He catches each of my tears in His hand and intercedes with the Father for me. Wow. What a blessing to be thankful for this Easter.

The next passage that struck me was in Luke as Jesus went to the Garden to pray to His Father. Jesus prayed fervently that His life be spared and that if there was any other way to redeem the world, that God might make it so (note that this is my paraphrasing and some of my own conjecture). Jesus knew the pain that was to come to Him. He knew God's plan and he pleaded with God for mercy. Jesus, God's own son, pleaded with His Father for a different outcome. How often have I done that?! How often do I want what I think is best for me, not what my Father in Heaven has planned? Ultimately, Jesus consecrates His own will to align perfectly with the plans of His Father. "Not my will, but Yours be done." What a truly amazing example. I thought this was so profound. Here is Jesus, God in the flesh, praying to His Father for a potentially different outcome than his cruel death on the cross. Jesus was fully human. He had to be terrified at the prospect of what was to come. He knew the depths of suffering that were in store, and he begged the Father for another way, if possible. But God knew the only way to give salvation to EVERYONE was for Jesus to hang on that tree at Calvary and die for our sins. And Jesus matched His will with the will of His Father, and I am the one to gain. Lord, help me to never forget the gravity of the gift that you provided in the crucifixion of your Son. Father God, I pray for the strength and the courage to accept Your perfect will for my life and for Lincoln's, and I pray for peace in knowing that You hold our futures in Your mighty hands. Help me to know that there is nothing that I can say or do that is better than Your will for me.

I feel like I have done alot of preaching in this blog :) (Look out Pastor Marc!) But God is continually revealing His blessings to me throughout this pregnancy. He has drawn me closer to Him than ever before, and He is giving me peace, strength, courage, and a willingness to share His story through the events of my life that I have never been comfortable sharing before. And all of this is a part of Lincoln's Legacy. God shared His Son with the entire world as a sacrifice for our sins, and I feel that He wants me to share Lincoln's story as a way to bless others. I have felt so incredibly blessed by so many family and friends and even complete strangers. It is hard to explain, but I want to be able to bless and help others during this time. It is hard to be the one to receive all of the blessings and not want to go out and do something for someone else. I am still trying to learn to give less of me, and more of Him that is within me. Please continue to pray for our doctor's appointment on Monday. I would ask for total healing for my son; but ultimately, may Your will be done, and may whatever happens be what is best for Lincoln.