Little Moments

Where to begin this time? How about with my last doctor's appointment on Monday, where I endured the ever famous glucose tolerance test (aka testing for gestational diabetes). This test always brings an impending sense of dread. I had gestational diabetes with Rocco, and the odds of having it a second time are much greater if you have had it previously. So I went in on Monday morning expecting to sit for three hours while I waited to give blood the required amount of times...enough poking to make me look like a drug user in one arm. Ugh! So there I sat, languishing over the likely potential for failure. Anyone who knows me personally knows that failing a test and my name do not go in the same sentence :) I was an extremely anal student, and to this day I still have (literal) nightmares that I show up for class and have either not studied for an exam or forgotten my homework. (Yes, I know, I am SUCH a dork!) Test over, I went on with my day, awaiting the dreaded phone call with negative results. Phone calls are only made when you fail, so I was praying that my phone wouldn't ring! And when 4:30 rolled around and I hadn't heard from the nurse, I was getting pretty excited. Of course, I didn't really believe that I had passed the test until the next evening...I was so sure that somehow the nurses had been too busy to call and tell me the bad news on that day, so I wasn't going to celebrate until two days passed with no phone calls :) And guess what....I PASSED! This was an exciting moment for me for a few reasons: a. it is so much more healthy for Lincoln AND for me (best reason) and b. I LOVE sweets! I can't help it, and I AM pregnant! So now I get to indulge in the occasional extra special dessert and not have to worry about checking my sugar or counting carbs. Thank goodness! Definitely a little blessing and an answered prayer!

I didn't have an ultrasound at my office visit that day, just a doppler to hear the heartbeat. Heart is still going strong at 140 bpm, and all other things seem stable. And I still have a hard time wrapping my brain around it. Have I mentioned how active he is?! Also, Tommy felt him kick for the first time last Sunday on the way home from church. It was so wonderful I thought I was going to cry! The excitement of Lincoln's daddy getting to feel his movements and bond with him in that way for the first time was so awesome. Tommy looked so proud, and he has actually felt him just about every day since then. Lincoln is such a little trickster, he was just joking with his daddy and playing shy. I have no idea where he gets that sense of humor :)

So last night I had a little moment. We have been so busy and things have been going so well that I have managed to not sit around and just think about all of the what ifs and possible scenarios. But, last night, I attended a friend's wedding. And it was beautiful, and emotional (I always cry at weddings), and it was hard for me. I was doing fine up until the dj called for the groom to dance with his momma. Even fine up until the point when they asked all mothers and sons to join them on the dance floor...and that is when I lost it. I had to get up and hustle to the bathroom. And then the tears came (so they may have come before then, but I was trying to disguise them as the usual wedding emotions). I couldn't help but think that in all likelihood Lincoln and I won't dance at his wedding, that I won't see him graduate, and that I won't get to hold his first baby. And I just became overwhelmed with a feeling of helpless emotion. But some good friends expected my feelings and followed me to the restroom, and I was wrapped in loving hugs and the reassurance of God's love for me. Then I dried it up and went out to continue the celebration of new beginnings and everlasting love. And I started thinking of all of the things in life that are unknown. There are no guarantees. It is possible that even Rocco and I may never dance at his wedding. Maybe he'll never get married, or maybe I won't be around. I pray that God will allow me the privilege of seeing my children grow and prosper, and God-willing, to be a grandma, too! But only He knows the map of our futures. And you know, I wouldn't even want to know anyways. If I knew when my time on earth was up, I know for a fact that I would do things differently. We all would. But I also think that I would miss out on all of those little moments in life that are so mundane, and ordinary, and well...perfect. And I started to thank God for rocking chairs on front porches, the sound of Rocco's laughter, when my husband takes my hand for no apparent reason, and the sneaky smile that I share with my dad as we are trying to play a trick on my gullible mom (and all the good southern girls say "bless her heart!"). And I am reminded again that each day is a blessing. Each hour, each minute, each second, each breath. And Lincoln is my blessing. Each day that my pregnancy continues, each minute up until his birth, and each little breath that he will breathe when he makes his entrance into this crazy world. And I thank God for little blessings. And that I don't know what He plans for Lincoln, but I trust that whatever it is is in His hands, and is already marked on the roadmap of Lincoln's sweet life. And I try to take a moment to just breathe, and to take in all of the lessons that He is sharing with me on this journey. And I ask Him for the ability to continue with a positive attitude, and a mindset of His grace and mercy being sufficient for me during this time. I pray that He will forgive my doubts and my fears about tomorrow, instead of placing everything in His hands. The truth is that I don't need to study for this test, because I know the answers reside in my heart because He is there. And He doesn't ever fail. Ever. He always knows the answers, even when my troubled heart wants to deny the truths or second guess His guidance.  And because He is such an awesome teacher, He never fails to gently show me how His way is always the right way.

I must admit, I have had some difficulty with my prayers recently. My heart longs to trust fully in His will for Lincoln, but my flesh wants to beg Him for mercy and healing for my sweet boy. What mother wouldn't want that? And I begin to ask myself if it is contradictory for me to pray for His will, but at the same time to pray for total healing for Lincoln? I have come to the realization that although it is right for me to pray for His will, it is also right for me to lay my heart at His feet and to ask Him for the desires of my heart. The scripture says that He wants to give me the desires of my heart, and He wants me to ask Him. But He also expects for me to bend to His will for my life. I guess that means that no matter what happens, I can always ask for what I want or need, and He will make the ultimate decision about whether or not that is truly something that is right for me. And when He decides, I need to trust in His plan. After all, He has the map. And in the times when my heart is so broken and I don't know or can't even begin to pray, I lean on His word in Romans 8:26-27 "In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words; and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God". I thank God for sending me His Holy Spirit, because I cannot count the times that I have sat in His presence with no words, but an ache in my heart that speaks volumes louder than anything I could express with mere murmurings.

So I thank Him for the intercession of the Holy Spirit, for His blessings on me, and for little moments that bring joy and life to the routine of every day. Oh, and for cookie cakes :)