Well friends, it has been two weeks and two appointments since my last post. With summer quickly approaching and everything going on in our lives time is just flying by! Not to mention I haven’t had my laptop at home recently. It actually belongs to “work” and I have to occasionally bring it in and hook it up to the network. That being said, there are some networking conflicts and it is currently in the shop :) The only other computer is in Rocco’s room, and since I usually blog after he goes to sleep, that just wouldn’t work out!
So today I am 33 weeks and 3 days. I cannot believe we only have about 6 ½ weeks to go! This pregnancy has absolutely flown by! And has been so different (and not because of Lincoln’s diagnosis)! With Rocco I was reading all kinds of blogs and looking at BabyCenter online EVERY single day. I couldn’t tell you if I have even gone to that website more than three times this pregnancy. At this point, I feel like an old pro! Ha!
So this week’s appointment was just a basic prenatal check with no special treatment. I have short ultrasounds every week from this point on to gauge blood flow through the cord, heart rate, amniotic fluid volume, and if Lincoln is practicing his breathing. He has passed this test with flying colors for the last two weeks! Praise the Lord! Some of the techs will spend more time looking at other things and showing us pictures of our sweet boy as well. I want to say a special thank you to Gina for taking that time with us yesterday. We were able to see that Lincoln has at least one eye that is functioning! It is so strange to see the lens of the eye on an ultrasound machine. This was very reassuring as I had resigned myself to the fact that he may not have eyes at all. Praise God he has at least one! I feel confident that there are two there, but due to the placement of the baby and the placenta, it was impossible to get a good view of the other side because of shadows from the facial bones. However, seeing the eye was a definite thing of celebration! We were also able to see some of his “boy parts”, which we hadn’t ever seen before, AND she told us that he has hair. And it looks like quite a bit! We knew that Rocco had hair before birth because I was a little neurotic about finding out about it. I wanted him to have hair at birth! With Rocco we could see a small “halo” of hair, but Lincoln had a patch on the back of his head that looks more like a duck-tail (much more than Rocco had), so I have hope that maybe he has my hair! :)
Last week’s appointment was a little more informative, as we had a full growth checkup. The previous week Lincoln was measuring quite small for his gestational age, so they had wanted us to get another scan in two weeks. Lincoln actually gained almost an entire pound in two weeks’ time, which is what an average baby will grow in that time period (at this point typically half a pound a week). This was great to hear as the bigger and stronger he is at birth the better! He actually went up to the 17th percentile and weighed in at 3 pounds and 11 ounces. If we stay on this track for the next six weeks, he will be a 6-7 pound baby! (I actually just looked back at Rocco’s 32 week gestation appointment, and he weighed 4 pounds 10 ounces at that time, just for comparison’s sake. I know that a 6-7 pound baby is actually average sized, but after Rocco that just seems so small!) Six or seven pounds would actually be a great weight for him though, as a lot of trisomy babies are born with much smaller birth weights. Overall, the last two appointments have shown promising scans, so we are still praying for miracles!
Now here is the hard part…my emotions have started getting the best of me lately. This past weekend my back started hurting and I started thinking I might be having labor pains. Although I think it was just exhaustion and a sore back from carrying around 30 extra pounds of baby AND 30 pounds of Rocco, it still gave me a small moment of panic. I am not ready. Lincoln doesn’t have the perfect hospital outfit. I have nothing prepared. I started to get anxious, and unfortunately, when it starts up it tends to hang around. I know that this is all in God’s control, but every so often that feeling of nerves creeps into my stomach and embeds itself there. I am so ready to meet my little man, but I am SO not ready for him to come. As long as he remains in my tummy then he is safe and sound. I am not afraid of the birthing process itself. I almost did not get an epidural with Rocco because I dilated so fast, so I am not afraid of the unknown of the pain….I am terrified of the outcome of what will happen after Lincoln is born. How long will I have with him? Will I even hear him cry? Will he be one of the 2.5 out of 100 that survive birth and live to see their first birthday? Tommy and I just want what is best for him. Always. Even if maybe that is not what we think is the best. We never want him to suffer. It is so hard to reconcile his activity and positive ultrasound results with the reality that he is sick. It is incomprehensible to me most days. Maybe that is a good thing, because although I have hope from my Father, I also get additional hope from my active little boy!
We had a special guest pastor at church this weekend because our pastor is on vacation. And our “special guest” was our youth leader, Jesse Holden, who does a phenomenal job. I know he never thinks that his sermons are up to par, but he touched me with his words this week. Thanks Jesse :) I realized that in the past few weeks I have been more in tune with preparing myself for the possibilities of a negative outcome than I have been for keeping up my hope for a miracle. As Lincoln’s mother and a believer, Jesse reminded me that it is my job to EXPECT a miracle. Believers are called to expect miracles and the grace of God, and I think I had pushed that to the back of my mind. I know that God will take care of Lincoln whatever happens, and that He can heal my baby if that is His plan, but I haven’t been Expecting. If Lincoln’s mommy isn’t even going to expect, then who will? So, I am hanging on to my faith in miracles and am EXPECTING one. May God receive all of the glory for His perfect creation!
On this same note, I want to take a minute to also say that God’s goodness to me, or Tommy, or any of us, is not measured by whether or not Lincoln is healed on this earth. Lincoln will be fully healed one day, whether God decides to reach down His hand and heal his little body on earth or if his healing will come when he passes through the glorious gates of Heaven. God is good all of the time, and even if my wish and prayer for Lincoln to be healed on earth is not granted, that doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love me, or that God is punishing me, or that He is a cruel God. He has a plan. I can’t see it, but He does. Lincoln has already touched more lives on this earth than I ever have in 29 years. His story is already an inspiration and a hope for others. And I will PRAISE GOD no matter what happens. Please don’t hinge your faith in our loving Heavenly Father on whether or not Lincoln lives a day, a week, a year, or 7 years. God has Lincoln’s best interests in mind. He has my best interests in mind. And He has a plan. And I am trusting it. I pray that your heart will be open to trust the same.
Please continue to pray for Lincoln, and for me, and for our family. I always ask for special prayers for Lincoln, but this week I am humbling myself to ask for your special prayers for me. Even in the trusting and the knowledge of God’s love, my mother’s heart is breaking. Tears are very near the surface these days. Please pray for His sustaining grace to help me through these next few weeks. And please pray for peace and calm in the midst of the storm. Please also continue to pray the same for Tommy, as I know his tender heart needs special care, too.
Thank you for your faithfulness to our family. We love you all.
EXPECTING MIRACLES,
Lindsey
P.S. The link below is to a song that has really spoken to me in the past few weeks. It is Laura Story’s “Blessings”, and it is so touching and beautiful. Listen to it and take in the lyrics…
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