Too Much to List!

Has it really been months since my last post? Time has flown! This is the most wonderful time of the year, but most definitely the busiest! As usual, the Aloisi household is no exception to this rule.

First, Lincoln's stone was FINALLY set. And by finally, I really mean finally. It took about four months, which was only about three months longer than the cemetery had estimated. After a little bit of a mad momma had stopped by the office to inquire about her son's missing stone about three times, they finally got on it and realized that they hadn't contacted the engraver. Really? Regardless, the final resting place for my son's earthly body is now forever marked with his name, a declaration to the world of his sweet existence and a validation of sorts that he was a person and not (as some pro-choice would declare) just a fetus. His life had substance and value, and I felt so much better about him having a stone. Here is a picture:

 

 

Following this, Rocco had a big birthday. My baby turned 2! Yes, I cannot believe it, but he is 2! And he has a mind of his own! He is so intelligent and it amazes me what his little mind picks up on and can contemplate on a daily basis. He is such a bright light in our lives and I am not a little bit proud :)

Shortly following his birthday, we took a much needed vacation with my parents to Florida. It was so nice to have our toes in the sand! We had not been to the beach since I was pregnant with Rocco, and it was hilarious to see his reaction to the sand. He hated the dry sand, but would sit and play in the wet, packed sand. However, we did have to keep a water bucket on hand for him to dunk his little sandy hands in. He hates to have anything on his hands! I have NO idea where he gets this obsessive-type behavior, ha ha!

As soon as we got back from the beach, Halloween was right around the corner. Rocco wanted to be a fireman. He was so cute in his little costume! His trick or treat tactics were so cute, too. He would start chanting "trick or treat" as soon as we walked into someone's driveway. I think he ran and chased his cousin for an entire hour, so needless to say that by the time we got to my Mamaw's house for our last stop of the evening he said "Mommy I go home". Poor buddy! He can be a little homebody and definitely lets me know when he is sleepy.

 

We just celebrated a quiet Thanksgiving and felt very blessed. We have so much to be thankful for. Yes, we experienced some bumpy roads this year, but we are so incredibly blessed by Our Father! We have one beautiful, healthy child, and God had mercy on little Lincoln and prepared a place for Him at His right hand. I am so thankful for that Promise! We have a warm place to sleep, food in our bellies, money in the bank, live in a country where were are free to worship God, and wonderful family and friends to call our own. We are so BLESSED. I hope each and every one of you celebrated Thanksgiving with that same spirit. I also hope that in the spirit of Thanks that you don't forget the joy in Giving. This Christmas so many are in need. Take a moment to give back. And not just with money. Give your time, your love, and of yourself to others. I promise it is better than any gift you will receive. I didn't want to let the season of Thanksgiving (which should be ALL THE TIME for believers) pass by without expressing my gratitude.

I visited Lincoln's grave the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and experienced some bittersweet emotions. It was the first holiday since his passing (no, I do NOT count Halloween), and yet I felt blessed to know that he celebrated with Jesus. That doesn't mean that a few tears didn't fall (I am human!), but an overwhelming sense of gratitude for his time not spent on earth was profound. Had he lived, Lincoln would have had to endure any number of medical problems, and any or all could have caused him to experience profound pain. I am grateful that our Father shows us not only His Grace but also His mercy daily. Still, I must confess, I also need your prayers at this time. I felt like I was on such a spiritual high throughout my pregnancy and Lincoln's subsequent death. Now, I almost feel "spent" if that makes sense. Like I am just going through the motions. I am not apathetic in the least, but I just don't feel connected like I know I should. I want to be doing more to make a difference. (I don't know where I will find the time, since I am already working on Angel Tree stuff, planning and fundraising for the mission trip to Kenya, raising a 2 year old, working, still building a house, and being a wife....geez!) I think being busy has been good for me throughout the pregnancy and even immediately after, but maybe I just need some time to recharge and reconnect with myself and the Lord. I want to make sure that I keep Christ in Christmas and share His love with others. I want to make sure that my son knows what Christmas is really about.

In closing, here is a recent picture of Rocco in his much-loved toboggan. He is just so cool! Of course I am biased, but I think he could be a baby model!

May your holidays be filled with love! Blessings to all!

Lindsey

Days Go By

Another week. Inevitably, I count. Weeks go by, and I count them. 13 weeks since Lincoln’s physical arrival on earth and spiritual arrival into Heaven. How long will I continue to count? I can’t answer that question, because I don’t know. I know there isn’t a week or a day that goes by that I don’t think of him, but will I ever lose track of the weeks? Will I one day say it has been 513 weeks? Or even 1,000? I don’t know. It’s kind of like when babies grow and mothers count their lives in weeks, usually until about two years old. Then we switch to years. I don’t have a problem with that for my living son; somehow, however, the weekly countdown following Lincoln’s death seems more significant to me than saying it has been three months. So every Friday, one more mark is made on my heart. 13 weeks going on forever…

Life is relatively normal in the Aloisi household. (Or Kitts household as I should say, since we are still staying with my parents as our home is still under construction.) I have got to get a picture to post! I am for sure (barring circumstances beyond my control!) going on the mission trip to Africa. I am so excited! I feel a very strong pull there, and I feel that God is really going to use my testimony to speak to someone. I am ready to be His vessel. Please pray for me and our team. (As an aside, if you would like to make a donation to the cause, just leave me a comment and I can get you the information J) 

In less than a month Rocco will turn 2. I was imagining just the other day that I should have had two babies in diapers right now. Rocco is nearing the season of being ready to potty-train, but he isn’t quite there yet. I know no one has ever been sad that they didn’t have to purchase diapers, but I sure was. So goes grief. I cannot believe that winter is so quickly approaching. Every night it seems that the summer sun is disappearing sooner and sooner below the horizon. I’m not ready to leave this season behind yet.  (Wow, that sentence has so many different meanings!) We are trying to squeeze in the last few nights of outside playtime with Rocco. I have never seen a child so young so obsessed with golf! When we go to the beach in a few weeks we are going to take him to play putt-putt for the first time. It will be interesting and hilarious to see how he does with a real club and a real ball instead of plastic!

So, as I was hinting earlier, the holidays will soon be upon us. I know that a difficult time is coming for us. I do know that Lincoln will be with us in spirit, and I want to order him a stocking like the others that we have for our family and hang it on our mantel. It just doesn’t seem right to not do that. It was very bizarre to pick out paint colors for the “boys’ rooms”. I have always referred to the two rooms that aren’t the master suite as the boys’ rooms, as one room should have been Lincoln’s. It should be decorated with cars and trucks and little boy things, but instead I chose to paint it a muted, neutral gray. Not because grey is reminiscent of my feelings, but in anticipation of another little Aloisi baby at some point in the future. I didn’t want to have something painted and fresh and have to change it in a year or two. No, I don’t have any big announcements, but I honestly cannot say I haven’t been thinking of it more lately. I recently found out a friend is expecting her second child, and her son is about Rocco’s age. I actually found myself feeling very jealous and longing for another baby. I know it is still too early for me, and it is out of the question with Africa coming up in March, but I think I might be ready a few months sooner than I had first thought. I know it will be a very anxious journey for me and Tommy, so although I look forward to the beauty of another pregnancy, I am a little tentative, too. With God’s grace, all things are possible. J

Blessings!

We Danced in the Rain

Yes, we did. This afternoon after taking the dogs out, Rocco came bounding onto the porch. He always makes a mad dash for the door anytime anyone says the word "outside". And here he came, all smiles and all boy, and pointed out into the yard where huge raindrops fell onto the grass. And it only took me a second to take off our shoes, and then...go! We danced in the rain. We held up our hands to the sky with reckless abandon. We splashed in puddles, played in the gullywash of the gutter's downspout, and made a memory that we'll never forget. Just me and my boy, er, boys.

You see playing in the rain with Rocco was cleansing for me. It was like a renewal of hope, and spirit, and faith. When I was a little girl I remember getting torn up over the song "Holes in the Floor of Heaven". If you don't know the song, look it up on YouTube. It basically talks about someone you love passing, and how any time it rains it is because there are holes in the floor of Heaven, and that is how we (the living) know that they (our loved ones gone Home) are watching. The song is quite a few (at least 10) years old. And I have always loved it, however it rarely if ever plays on the radio anymore. Except on the day of Lincoln's burial, in the car on the way to the cemetery. And then again on Friday, which marked eight weeks since I had said hello and goodbye to my son. I definitely don't think it was coincidental. Friday was a hard day for me. It kind of hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't really know what the trigger was exactly, but my mind drifted back to that hospital room, and I relived the first moment of holding Lincoln. The tears came in the middle of my office as I listened to songs from Lincoln's compilation cd which I had made as background noise for his funeral. It's funny how a memory can smack you in the face and take you back. And it's ok. I expect that for, well, the rest of my life; but I am sure that it will happen more frequently during the first year of loss. And if someone passed by my office and looked at me funny, I just gave them a smile. It rained on Friday, too, but Friday was one of those days that was dark and dreary from daylight to dusk. So when I heard the song that afternoon, it seemed like a perfect fit for my melancholy mood. Today's rain was different. It was one of those glorious late summer rains where even though the drops fall to the ground, the sun was shining in the background. And it made me happy, for I know that Lincoln was watching with a smile on his face. I was touched recently at church one Sunday while singing in the choir. For some reason it occured to me that I had beheld Lincoln's sweet face with my own eyes even though he was gone, but that he had never had the opportunity to look on the faces of those that loved him (at least on earth!). And I realized as I was singing praise songs that my son was watching his mommy with new eyes, and that he could now see me. How I want him to look down and be proud of me and his daddy and brother! So today as the rain fell, and Rocco looked at me with his big blue eyes full of enthusiasm, I thought "Why not?!" Before Lincoln, I probably would have told him no. We would get too wet, and it would be too much trouble. But I have a renewed sense of how the little things are life's best blessings.  So we danced, and laughed, and loved. Rocco helped to heal my heart with his little boy spirit and his appreciation for life, and Lincoln helped heal my heart to make me be a better mommy to Rocco. And I spent the afternoon with my two little boys, and I believe that all of our spirits were lifted.

Lincoln continues to change my life in ways that would have been unfathomable to me before his existence. It is amazing how one tiny life can make such a huge impact on the world! There are so many things that I want to do and plan to do as a result of his life changing impact on me. Some of these things I am not yet ready to share with the world, but others are already in the process or have the wheels in my mind spinning. The first thing that I am hoping to do is to go with my church on a mission trip to Africa. I am the head of the Missions Committee at my church (which means nothing except that I have administrative responsibility for planning meetings!). A few years ago my church sent a team to Kenya to work with an orphange there. I have a heart for children and know that this is one of my spiritual gifts. We have been in a partnership with this orphanage for some time, and I have had the opportunity to speak directly with the pastor that runs the orphanage and to facilitate the shipment of much needed goods to these children (I don't tell you this to pat myself on the back, but just so you'll understand the background of the situation as I tell you the rest of the story!). Seeing the pictures of their smiling faces despite the poverty and need that they live in on a daily basis is balm to the soul. So after the first trip to Kenya, the church committed to going back in a few years to help finish some of the work that we started there. And I have always wanted to go. Then, I found out I was pregnant with Linc. He was due in July and the trip was going to be sometime in February, so it wasn't an opportune time for me to go. Plus, the trip requires alot of immunizations and anti-malarial drugs, which would not be compatible with breast feeding. Besides, there was no way that I could leave that small of a child for a week! So I had resigned myself to the fact that I would have to wait until the next trip. And then Lincoln's death occurred, and my best laid plans had a wrench thrown into them. I am really learning that no matter how much I plan that God's plan is the one that matters, and that everything happens in His great timing. So I began to ask myself if Africa could be a possibility. Then I worried about leaving Rocco. But I began to pray about it, and my heart felt pulled towards Kenya. However, I am one of those people that will absolutely continue to beat a dead horse and question whether or not something is of my own choosing or is actually God's will for my life. So I stood in the shower one day and prayed that God would open the necessary doors and give me a clear direction if He wanted me to go to Africa. And I felt like he answered me by saying "get into My Word". Well, ok God, but that's not really a direct indication of whether or not I should go to Africa, but I will give Your way a shot. Later that evening, I had sat down to read a fabulous book about infant loss entitled "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith. At the end of each chapter, the author includes a few Bible verses. I read alot of chapters that night, but the verse that stuck out in my mind was James 1:2, which says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perserverance". As I know that I am in a season of testing and trials following Lincoln's death, I decided that I would pick up my Bible and read more in James chapter 1. As I turned the page to finish off the chapter, the last verse immediately drew my attention, as I had starred and highlighted it in my Bible. I promise you that at that moment I felt like God literally picked up his hand and whacked me on top of the head. I can also promise you this...He Still Speaks! We just need to take the time to listen. So I am reading, on the same evening that I have asked God for specific direction on whether or not He wants me to go to Africa, and the final verse of James chapter 1 is this: "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world". WOW. Honestly, no other words are needed.

As I was sweeping sheetrock dust off the floor of our new home in progress yesterday, the idea struck me that I want to start a nonprofit. Where did that come from? Well, my answer is that it was out of the clear blue sky. I started speaking with me dad about it brieftly, and he wanted to know what exactly I wanted to do. My response: to offer financial aid to others who experience infant loss. Let me explain. Early last week, I received a bill from the hospital for my labor and delivery fee. On Friday, I received a bill from the funeral home for Lincoln's services. It was more than we had originally agreed upon, so I had called the funeral home for confirmation of charges. Turns out it had cost us over $200 just to have his obituary run in the newspaper for two days, and it wasn't even in there on a Sunday, which costs exorbitantly more. And I began to get angry. How dare they profit off the death of my son, a tiny infant whose life had ended before it had begun! Granted, I know that people provided services and that they had a right to render payment, but it is really a gut wrenching thing to have to pay someone to bury your child. And even though many places offer "discounts" when it is an infant, things are still expensive. So I want to start a foundation that will help families to offset these unexpected costs. When you lose a child, money is the last thing on your mind, but I imagine that it becomes a very heavy burden when  your child needs a headstone and there just isn't any money in the savings account. I know how important it is for a grieving mother to validate her child's existence to the world through a marker on his or her grave. A placard that will forever be a visible reminder to strangers that this child was wanted and loved. I know that I would have been devastated to think that Lincoln didn't have one. And not only that, but most cemeteries will provide you a plot in "Babyland" if you purchase a stone. Which means that even if you don't have the money, you have to purchase the stone and pay for it on credit. I wonder how many families have gotten themselves into a financial hardship because they just wanted a marker for their child? So my brainchild idea is to start a foundation that will assist families with these types of expenses. Maybe it is totally far-fetched, or maybe the idea is not at all feasible, but I am planning for the future. I wish there would never be a reason for a foundation such as this to exist, but unfortunately we live in a fallen world and babies don't always survive. My hope is to carry on Lincoln's Legacy by helping others, and maybe one day my idea will come to fruition and can bless another family in a similar situation. If I can help ease the burden of them even just a little, then I will have completed my mission successfully :)

It is very important to me to be Lincoln's voice in this world since he didn't get the chance to have one. I feel so inspired to do so much more for others and to give more of myself. I want his legacy to be an example of hope, faith, and love to others. I also don't want Rocco or any other subsequent children that I might have feel like they can't measure up to the idea of Lincoln. Maybe that sounds strange, but I think other people that have lost children can sympathize with how I feel. I never want Rocco to feel like he can't compete with the idea of Lincoln and Lincoln's impact on my life. It is really important to me, however, that Rocco knows that his little brother was such a fighter, and that we are going to use his death as a catalyst for good. If nothing else, Lincoln's legacy was a catalyst to ignite change in our lives by making us more loving, more giving, and more faithful; and it is our legacy to ignite change in the world by carrying on his love. And His love. Lincoln's death has changed my walk with the Father. I feel bolder and more confident in speaking about His goodness, and I welcome the opportunity. And while I am mentioning that, I will say that it is ok to say Lincoln's name in front of me. It is ok to ask me about him. In fact, I welcome it! Please don't let Lincoln be the elephant in the room. Just like any mommy, I am so proud of my son and want to talk about him. How beautiful he was, how much he weighed, how he looked like Rocco and his daddy. How he has changed our lives forever, and how God has shown us His grace throughout this journey.

I feel like I still have so much to say, but I am just too tired and my thoughts aren't as coherent as they need to be. I get so sidetracked telling stories that I forget what I really meant to type! I guess that just means more entries in the future :)  I have always had a dream and a life goal to write a book. I had always thought it would be a children's book, though. Who knows? Maybe it will be, or maybe it will be something else. Maybe I will publish my blog writings into a book one day. Until then, everyone can just enjoy my heartfelt ramblings free of charge :)

May you take the time to appreciate the small blessings, and may you never be too busy to dance in the rain!

Lindsey

My Beautiful Angel Boy

So, here we are a month down the stretch. Lincoln's birth oftentimes seems just like yesterday and oftentimes seems like it was four years ago. It's really strange how that happens. Several times over the last month I have actually smelled him. It is usually when I am playing with Rocco, which I think is really sweet. It's like Lincoln is there in the joy of laughter with us! We are actually doing very well (much better than I had anticipated). I have struggled with anxiety and a bout of what I think was post-partum depression after one of my miscarriages, so I was honestly pretty terrified of how I would feel. And to be pretty honest, I actually feel great. I actually feel guilt that I don't feel worse, which doesn't really make much sense I guess. How can a woman who has just lost her son a month ago smile and be happy and feel at peace? The answer is through Christ alone. I have been granted such an incredible peace about Lincoln's death. I find myself thinking of him and wondering what he is doing at certain moments. You see, I know Lincoln still lives, because I know that HE lives. And I am overcome with an unspeakable joy knowing that my precious boy is in Heaven. Paradise! I also know that Lincoln's little body is fully healed, and that his life in Heaven is far beyond the life he would have had on this earth. Don't get me wrong, I miss him terribly and coveted time with him here, but I am starting to grasp the mercies of why God called him home early. And I know that one sweet day, I will see him again! I have so much trouble fathoming the belief (or unbelief) of people that there is no God or no Heaven. That equates to no hope! I've placed all of my stock in the hope and faith of Jesus alone, and I know that is the reason, the ONLY reason, that I have been able to travel this journey.

I really didn't mean to start preaching in this post :) The intention was to share some pictures of Lincoln taken by the fabulous Jason Davis of J. Davis Photography (www.jdavisphotos.com). I hope you all enjoy (and call him for all of your newborn/children's photo needs)!

And now, take a look at all of this dark hair!

Thanks for indulging this proud momma! Blessings to you all!

Lindsey

P.S. I went to Lincoln's gravesite today to see if his tombstone was placed yet. On his grave was a beautiful floral arrangement that hadn't been there too long because the flowers were still pretty and not wilted. There was no card, and no one in the office of the funeral home could give me information on who they were from or what florist delivered them. If it was you and you are reading this, I want to say a huge thank you! It feels good to know that Lincoln is thought about and loved by so many people! 

We teach our children all about life, but our children teach us what life is all about.

June 27, 2012

Today I buried my son.  Although today was not the worst day, it was a day that no parent should ever have to endure. The last seven days of my life have passed me by in a blur. I can honestly say that I lived the moments but wasn’t really there. My body has been moving forward based on nothing but pure adrenaline and the maternal ferocity to do what is best for my precious son. And now that it is all over I feel like the crash has begun. As soon as I arrived home from the burial I felt more tired than I have ever felt in my entire life. I waited for Rocco to eat a quick grilled cheese and then we snuggled down in our favorite recliner for a nap. It was then that I remembered that the last time we had done that Lincoln had slept snugly and peacefully between us; wrapped up safely in the warm cocoon of my womb, all of my hopes and dreams for him still alive and well…dreams, at least, of him spending time with me on this side of Heaven.  And I fully realize that he is in a better place. Although he was taken from the physical world so very soon, his spirit lives on with the Father in a place that we can only imagine until the day that we are called home; the day we’ll stand at the pearly gates and give recollection of our time on this earth, awaiting judgment and the opportunity to step onto the streets of gold and meet those that have gone long before us.  How I now look at death in such a different way! I stare at the beautiful images taken of my sweet Lincoln just moments after his birth and I see how peaceful he was.  I told Tommy that I was honestly a little jealous of my boy. He is already singing the eternal praises of Jesus in a place so glorious none of us can imagine! When I got a funny look from him, I was quick to assure him that I didn’t mean I was ready to go anytime soon (I want to live as long as God will allow me, hopefully to see Rocco’s babies have babies of their own!). However, Lincoln was given a special opportunity that few get. He never had to face the ills of the world in which we live. He was never made fun of for being different; he will never know hurt or betrayal or loneliness or fear; he will never have to wonder why horrible things happen and sometimes the innocent are injured and the guilty go free. Instead, Jesus decided to call him home early. Perhaps he was just too beautiful for this earth. Maybe his tiny soul was too sensitive, too empathetic to handle those things. But I know that when his tiny heart stopped beating, he immediately went from resting in the warm embrace of my womb straight into the arms of Jesus, who I know blessed him upon his entry and said “child, come to me”. And for that I am so grateful.

No matter the strength of your faith, nothing can prepare your heart for the pain of losing a child. My arms feel so empty with no new baby to hold and snuggle. At night, I have taken to sleeping with a blanket that wrapped Lincoln at the hospital. I know it is silly but I still need that little piece of him with me.  And I often find myself smelling the clothes he wore at the hospital. His smell was not a typical baby smell and I am sure wouldn’t smell very good to some. But it is a mixture of the soap he was washed in, and the fluids of my womb mixed with his own sweet smell. And to me it is the most precious and wonderful smell on earth. I have put his little clothes in a bag to try to preserve it as long as I can. I am so afraid of losing some of my memories of his birthday. I want to remember how his little body fit perfectly into my arms, his sweet smell, how it felt to kiss his tiny lips and caress his face. Most of all, I just want to never forget everything that he meant to me and that he has taught me.

His birth was an overwhelming experience, and it came so fast that I didn’t really have time to think about it. One minute I was dilated to 5cm and sleeping peacefully, only to awaken thirty minutes later to pressure in my lower abdomen and a feeling of sickness in my throat. When I called the nurse she verified that I was ready. Thinking that being induced was a much slower process than going into labor naturally, I had sent my parents and brother down to get lunch while I took a nap. It was quite a shock to them to get a phone call as soon as they sat down to eat. My mom literally ran the whole way back to the hospital and barely arrived in time. I had been emotionally handling things up until the point when the nurse said I was ready. And that is when I realized that I wasn’t. At all. As long as I didn’t deliver then he was still safe in my womb. Of course I logically knew he had no heartbeat and was already gone, but I wasn’t ready to birth him. To not hear him cry or see his tiny hands clench and his feet kick. I just wasn’t ready. And then I pushed. Once. And he was here. And out of me came the most beautiful baby boy (tied with Rocco for the award of handsomest child).  And he looked absolutely perfect…ten tiny fingers, ten tiny toes, the face of an angel with no overly exaggerated trisomy traits. And a head full of the most beautiful dark hair with a hint of blonde highlights. Just a perfect baby boy. And he was mine. And although he won’t ever live with me in my home, he is forever and always a part of me and in my heart. And I am just blessed with the opportunity to say I was the mommy of such a child as this, that has taught me the most important lessons of life, and love, and faith. And on this, his birthday, Tommy and I held our baby son, and by the grace of God we had the opportunity to tell him how loved he was, and how beautiful he was, and how we would miss him so much but see him again one sweet day. And who knows? We don’t know how God measures time in Heaven. Of course, we have a system here on earth, but one of our years may only be seconds to God. Maybe by the time we make it to Heaven Lincoln will have just been waiting for a few brief moments. But I hope that he is really enjoying himself today! I imagine that he is running with other children and playing in fields of wildflowers whose colors are more brilliant than we can imagine. And he doesn’t realize any feelings of loneliness because God is there. There is no pain, and there are no tears. And I have imagined how wonderful his homecoming must have been. You see, he has four brothers and sisters there already, although I just don’t know how many of each or any of their names.  If Linc is anything like Rocco, I am sure that he has taken charge and is leading the little pack. I can only laugh to myself thinking of all the mischief that they will undoubtedly be getting themselves in to.  Halo frisbee? Flying too fast? I am not sure what, but I bet all of my little ones are thoroughly enjoying having a new big brother on the block. J

Lincoln’s burial today was not the worst moment for me. That came when it was time to hand him over to the funeral home at the hospital.  We were able to spend as much time as we needed and wanted with our son. Soon after his birth, all of our family was able to come and share in the joy of holding him. It was important to us that they all get to meet him. And like any proud new parents, Tommy and I sat back and allowed others to hold him and gloated about his beauty. And it was definitely bittersweet, but I think it helped us to know that everyone else felt the same way about him that we did. He was just a little boy who was perfect in our eyes and in the eyes of God, but he was just gone from us too soon. And after everyone had left and Tommy and I were alone, we said a prayer over his sweet body, and we thanked God for the blessing that was Lincoln. After several hours had passed, we knew that the time was drawing near for him to leave us physically as well. This marks the moment that I will always remember as the hardest thing I have ever had to do. When I had to hand over the body of my precious baby into the hands of the nurse who would take him to the waiting funeral car, I knew that I would likely never experience a more difficult moment in my lifetime (God willing). Even though I knew that Lincoln wasn’t really there any longer, it was still hard for my maternal instincts. I wanted to fiercely protect his little body. He was never out of my eyesight the entire time that we had with him, and he was only out of my arms for brief visits with other family members or the nurse who measured him and weighed him.  She was such a blessing to us as well, because she treated Lincoln no different than she would have had he been a live birth. She cooed at him and talked to him, and I felt my spirit lift a little even then.  But after they took his little body away, my body racked with sobs. He was gone from me, but thankfully not forever. I am so glad to have a Savior and a promise of everlasting life with Him, a promise that I will see my sweet boy again and that he is forever safe in the arms of Jesus.  When I think of Lincoln in that perspective, it is hard to be sad. There was a poem I saw on the internet when going thru things to include in Lincoln’s service. The poem said something like “if Heaven had a staircase I would come and bring you back to me”…or something similar. But I didn’t like that line. Lincoln has experienced the joy and greatness that is Heaven, and I would never ever want to go up there and bring him back down to me for my own selfishness. He is in absolute paradise, and it is ridiculous to think otherwise. Thank you Jesus for this blessing!

Lincoln’s receiving of friends was nice. It was wonderful to see how loved he was and hear how he has made a difference in so many lives even in his brief time on earth. There were more smiles than tears, so I count that as a good thing. Tommy and I went to see him one final time to view his body in his burial clothes prior to the service. I was really anxious about seeing him, but I am honestly glad that we did. It was so evident to me upon seeing him that his body was there, but he wasn’t. Praise God! He lives with Jesus today! It really made me feel a sense of peacefulness and filled my heart with gladness. The son I knew from the hospital was my son, and although he had already gone from us at that point, I know that the presence of the Lord was in that hospital room with us and provided for and sustained us during that time. Because of this, it felt like Lincoln was still there with us in spirit. But at the funeral home, I knew that he had gone. And it did make it a little easier on this mommy to endure the services at the church and the cemetery. And I’ll be honest; my tears aren’t for Lincoln and his well-being. He is made whole and is perfect. My tears are for myself, and knowing that I won’t have him with me any longer. I won’t hear him say mommy, or witness his first steps, or take him to his first day of kindergarten. And I am grieving all of those might-have-beens with my precious boy.  I grieve that I won’t get to watch him grow alongside Rocco, and that Rocco won’t remember any of this when he gets older. He will know Lincoln of course, because he will forever and always be a part of our family, but he won’t remember the birth or the death. And maybe that is better. He’ll see the pictures and know all of the good things about his baby brother. This afternoon after everything had settled down, we went back to the cemetery to get some flowers from the arrangements left on the grave to preserve. And one of the arrangements had a little white bird in it. And Rocco went up and touched it and asked me for it specifically. So I let him take it home, and he treated it with such care. I told him it was a present from his little brother, and that we would put it up for safekeeping for him to have one day when he is older as a sweet reminder of his little brother.  It was so simple and innocent. It was like Rocco just knew. It has amazed me the last few days how perceptive Rocco has been, and how his hugs and kisses have abundantly flowed to his mommy, who needed them more than ever. And it was Rocco that reminded me of the child-like faith that Christ tells us to bring to Himself.  “Do not hinder the children, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.”  And it was through the actions of my darling little Rocco that I was reminded that Lincoln was drawn directly to the Father, and all he had to do was accept the gift of eternity.  I pray for the day when Rocco will fully understand and grasp the greatness of God’s sacrifice for us, and that he will accept Jesus into his heart without fear or reservations.  Until that time, it was so sweet to see his childlike love and faith. And it was a beautiful ending to a bittersweet day. And it gave me hope. Hope for the lives that we will continue to lead, hope for the difference that we can make with Lincoln’s story and the effect his life has had on ours, and hope that we WILL see him again.  All because God WILLINGLY gave His Son. Oh what a Savior! Continued prayers for our family will be appreciated as we begin to navigate the new direction that our lives have taken. We will heal and grow and move forward, but we’ll never forget. And through it all, I pray that we will continue to “Praise Him in this storm”.

Blessings,

Lindsey

Arrangements

Dear friends,

Sometime between the mornings of June 21st and 22nd, sweet Lincoln's heart stopped beating. On Friday, June 22nd at 12:55pm he was born directly into the waiting arms of Jesus. He was beautiful, whole, and incredibly loved. His services will be held on Tuesday evening, June 26th, at Callahan Road Baptist Church. We will receive friends from 5:30p to 8p, with a service to follow. Lincoln's obituary will be published in the Knoxville News Sentinel tomorrow and Tuesday. Our family would like to thank you all for your continued love, prayers, and privacy during this difficult time. Thank you.

Lindsey

36 Weeks and Holding

Hello everyone! Well, today was our 36 week checkup. Hard to believe that we have already come this far and are so close to birth day! As has been the case for our last few appointments, we felt this one went really well. Here are the stats:

1. Lincoln's heart rate was 156 beats per minute. His heart still looks like it has a defect (more specifically this time, we were told it was a questionable VSD, or ventricular septal defect--basically a small hole in his heart between the two ventricles. Apparently this was suspected earlier but we were only told of a possible blockage somewhere). At this point, he is really too big to get a good reading on the heart, so all that we can see is that his heart still looks a little enlarged on one side and is "displaced" a bit (not exactly in the "right" position). I am quick to inform them that my heart is tilted a little as well, so this must be normal and hereditary :)  In a "normal" baby, a defect of this type wouldn't be worrisome as it is easily fixed, and also can heal spontaneously on its own.

2. Because Lincoln is very low now (and believe me, don't I know it!), we were unable to get a good scan of his brain as well. Of course, the two things that we wanted to see the most were difficult to see at this point. (Coincidence? Hmmm...I serve a BIG GOD, so maybe He has something special planned!) One thing that caught our attention was that his head circumference had actually "caught up" with his gestational age, and his bilateral something or other (the "horizontal measurement of his head") was actually showing larger than gestational age growth. This has never been the case before, as the head has always measured one week or more behind. Although I asked the doctor about the significance of this growth and was told that this was normal, I can't help but be so hopeful that God has made changes in Lincoln's little body. Perhaps He has healed his small cerebellum? I don't know, but I am clinging to that faith and hope. I was telling my doctor today how it is so hard for me to even think that there is anything wrong with him. He gently told me that lots of fetal movement, etc. was not abnormal for a trisomy baby. When I questioned what was the greatest physical concern besides the actual trisomy diagnosis, I was told that the trisomy diagnosis trumps everything. And logically I know that, but it is still just so hard to accept! When I read statistics about trisomy babies, the majority of fatalities are due to heart defects, apnea, etc, which are all caused by some type of defect in a bodily system. Since all of Lincoln's systems appear to be working so well, it is just hard for me to believe that just because he is classified as trisomy then that is it. Who knows?! I have actually been feeling very optimistic and surreally calm the last two or three weeks. I can't explain why, especially when I feel like I could go into labor at any minute and I have no bags packed and nothing prepared, but I know that God is providing that peace for me.

It is so hard to explain how I logically understand the medical community's stance and the reality of this disorder versus what seems to feel so normal and perfect. I guess that is just faith. I got to speak to a friend from church who is a NICU nurse about the circumstances surrounding the actual birth. I have been most concerned about what will happen when Lincoln finally arrives and how his birth would be handled by the doctors and the nursing staff. She was able to provide me with some good information that really reassured my spirit. Thanks, Laura! And ultimately, I cling to the belief that God is going take care of Lincoln no matter what and that no decisions that Tommy and I make are going to affect the outcome of his life. We just need to trust, obey, and LOVE.

3. Lincoln had grown exactly spot on what an average baby should gain in a month's period. (a half a pound a week, so two pounds for 4 weeks). His previous weight was 3lbs 10oz, and today he tipped the scale at 5lbs 9oz. He has shot up to the 27th percentile. Not too big, not too small. Juuuussst right!

Aside from these measurements, we really didn't get much else on the information side of things. I was not checked today for dilation or effacement, and that won't come for another two weeks. (Rats! I was really hoping to at least find out if anything had started happening yet!) I feel like he has really dropped in the last week, and I know he has because I get the looks when I walk  waddle past people that say that they really feel sorry for me at this point because it is hot and I look big and miserable! Gotta love it when people say things like that! :)

So, at this point, we just watch and wait. Today is exactly one month from my actual due date, so we definitely see the light at the end of the tunnel. I haven't felt ready or prepared for what is to come (and really, how do you prepare yourself for that?), but sometime in the last week I have found myself telling people that yes, I am ready. I am ready to meet my sweet boy. And I am just trusting that things are going to turn out fine. I am still expecting a miracle, but I also know that every life is a miracle, no matter how long it is lived out on this earth. So ultimately, we'll all be ok. And people have been asking me if I am ok. "Lindsey, are you REALLY ok?". And the answer is yes. God has provided a peace in my soul that I can't explain. Ask me again in a few weeks and the answer might be totally different, but at this point we are taking one day at a time. And I am feeling good, and loved, and lifted up, and just...OK. And if you want the true answer, it would also include very tired and very busy and overwhelmed!

Just as an aside update, our house is coming along so quickly. It will be fully framed up and I think under roof by the end of this week. That is keeping both Tommy and I so occupied that we don't have time to stress the small stuff. Rocco is growing like a champ and is a total, all-American little boy. Every night we go outside for about an hour while he hits golf balls. It is hilarious and more closely resembles hockey, until he pulls his little club back like he has a backswing. It is the cutest thing I have ever seen. He actually sat and watched the U.S. Open last night for about an hour. He is 20 months old...what toddlers do that? I think I might have a Tiger on my hands :) If I can find the extra time (yeah right!) in the next few days I will try to post a few pictures. I am trying to keep my video camera and digital camera cleared off so that they will be ready to throw in the hospital bag at a moment's notice and still have plenty of memory and batteries.

Thank you all for your continued prayers for us and especially for Lincoln. We covet your pleas to Jesus on our behalf for our sweet son. There are times that I don't even know what to pray for, but I am lifted up knowing that so many requests have been made on my behalf for Lincoln, and I know that God understands my heart and my prayers even when I don't have the words to say them.  I am so thankful for these gifts from the Father, and that He is always listening and walking with me on this path.

Blessings for Lincoln, and blessed be the name of the Lord, who is sustaining us and leading us on this journey.

Expectations

Well friends, it has been two weeks and two appointments since my last post. With summer quickly approaching and everything going on in our lives time is just flying by! Not to mention I haven’t had my laptop at home recently. It actually belongs to “work” and I have to occasionally bring it in and hook it up to the network. That being said, there are some networking conflicts and it is currently in the shop :) The only other computer is in Rocco’s room, and since I usually blog after he goes to sleep, that just wouldn’t work out!

So today I am 33 weeks and 3 days. I cannot believe we only have about 6 ½ weeks to go! This pregnancy has absolutely flown by! And has been so different (and not because of Lincoln’s diagnosis)! With Rocco I was reading all kinds of blogs and looking at BabyCenter online EVERY single day. I couldn’t tell you if I have even gone to that website more than three times this pregnancy. At this point, I feel like an old pro! Ha!

So this week’s appointment was just a basic prenatal check with no special treatment. I have short ultrasounds every week from this point on to gauge blood flow through the cord, heart rate, amniotic fluid volume, and if Lincoln is practicing his breathing. He has passed this test with flying colors for the last two weeks! Praise the Lord! Some of the techs will spend more time looking at other things and showing us pictures of our sweet boy as well. I want to say a special thank you to Gina for taking that time with us yesterday. We were able to see that Lincoln has at least one eye that is functioning! It is so strange to see the lens of the eye on an ultrasound machine. This was very reassuring as I had resigned myself to the fact that he may not have eyes at all. Praise God he has at least one! I feel confident that there are two there, but due to the placement of the baby and the placenta, it was impossible to get a good view of the other side because of shadows from the facial bones. However, seeing the eye was a definite thing of celebration! We were also able to see some of his “boy parts”, which we hadn’t ever seen before, AND she told us that he has hair. And it looks like quite a bit! We knew that Rocco had hair before birth because I was a little neurotic about finding out about it. I wanted him to have hair at birth! With Rocco we could see a small “halo” of hair, but Lincoln had a patch on the back of his head that looks more like a duck-tail (much more than Rocco had), so I have hope that maybe he has my hair! :)

Last week’s appointment was a little more informative, as we had a full growth checkup. The previous week Lincoln was measuring quite small for his gestational age, so they had wanted us to get another scan in two weeks. Lincoln actually gained almost an entire pound in two weeks’ time, which is what an average baby will grow in that time period (at this point typically half a pound a week). This was great to hear as the bigger and stronger he is at birth the better! He actually went up to the 17^th percentile and weighed in at 3 pounds and 11 ounces. If we stay on this track for the next six weeks, he will be a 6-7 pound baby! (I actually just looked back at Rocco’s 32 week gestation appointment, and he weighed 4 pounds 10 ounces at that time, just for comparison’s sake. I know that a 6-7 pound baby is actually average sized, but after Rocco that just seems so small!) Six or seven pounds would actually be a great weight for him though, as a lot of trisomy babies are born with much smaller birth weights. Overall, the last two appointments have shown promising scans, so we are still praying for miracles!

Now here is the hard part…my emotions have started getting the best of me lately. This past weekend my back started hurting and I started thinking I might be having labor pains. Although I think it was just exhaustion and a sore back from carrying around 30 extra pounds of baby AND 30 pounds of Rocco, it still gave me a small moment of panic. I am not ready. Lincoln doesn’t have the perfect hospital outfit. I have nothing prepared. I started to get anxious, and unfortunately, when it starts up it tends to hang around. I know that this is all in God’s control, but every so often that feeling of nerves creeps into my stomach and embeds itself there. I am so ready to meet my little man, but I am SO not ready for him to come. As long as he remains in my tummy then he is safe and sound. I am not afraid of the birthing process itself. I almost did not get an epidural with Rocco because I dilated so fast, so I am not afraid of the unknown of the pain….I am terrified of the outcome of what will happen after Lincoln is born. How long will I have with him? Will I even hear him cry? Will he be one of the 2.5 out of 100 that survive birth and live to see their first birthday? Tommy and I just want what is best for him. Always. Even if maybe that is not what we think is the best. We never want him to suffer. It is so hard to reconcile his activity and positive ultrasound results with the reality that he is sick. It is incomprehensible to me most days. Maybe that is a good thing, because although I have hope from my Father, I also get additional hope from my active little boy!

We had a special guest pastor at church this weekend because our pastor is on vacation. And our “special guest” was our youth leader, Jesse Holden, who does a phenomenal job. I know he never thinks that his sermons are up to par, but he touched me with his words this week. Thanks Jesse :) I realized that in the past few weeks I have been more in tune with preparing myself for the possibilities of a negative outcome than I have been for keeping up my hope for a miracle. As Lincoln’s mother and a believer, Jesse reminded me that it is my job to EXPECT a miracle. Believers are called to expect miracles and the grace of God, and I think I had pushed that to the back of my mind. I know that God will take care of Lincoln whatever happens, and that He can heal my baby if that is His plan, but I haven’t been Expecting. If Lincoln’s mommy isn’t even going to expect, then who will? So, I am hanging on to my faith in miracles and am EXPECTING one. May God receive all of the glory for His perfect creation!

On this same note, I want to take a minute to also say that God’s goodness to me, or Tommy, or any of us, is not measured by whether or not Lincoln is healed on this earth. Lincoln will be fully healed one day, whether God decides to reach down His hand and heal his little body on earth or if his healing will come when he passes through the glorious gates of Heaven. God is good all of the time, and even if my wish and prayer for Lincoln to be healed on earth is not granted, that doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love me, or that God is punishing me, or that He is a cruel God. He has a plan. I can’t see it, but He does. Lincoln has already touched more lives on this earth than I ever have in 29 years. His story is already an inspiration and a hope for others. And I will PRAISE GOD no matter what happens. Please don’t hinge your faith in our loving Heavenly Father on whether or not Lincoln lives a day, a week, a year, or 7 years. God has Lincoln’s best interests in mind. He has my best interests in mind. And He has a plan. And I am trusting it. I pray that your heart will be open to trust the same.

Please continue to pray for Lincoln, and for me, and for our family. I always ask for special prayers for Lincoln, but this week I am humbling myself to ask for your special prayers for me. Even in the trusting and the knowledge of God’s love, my mother’s heart is breaking. Tears are very near the surface these days. Please pray for His sustaining grace to help me through these next few weeks. And please pray for peace and calm in the midst of the storm. Please also continue to pray the same for Tommy, as I know his tender heart needs special care, too.  

Thank you for your faithfulness to our family. We love you all.

EXPECTING MIRACLES,

Lindsey

P.S. The link below is to a song that has really spoken to me in the past few weeks. It is Laura Story’s “Blessings”, and it is so touching and beautiful. Listen to it and take in the lyrics…

A Blessing to this Mother

Not sure where to start today. But how about a great big "Happy Mother's Day!" I'll have more to say about that later, but let me go ahead and give you what you really want...the update on Lincoln's 30 week doctor's appointment. Yes, it has been a whole week ago and I am just now getting to sit down and do this, so I apologize for the tardiness. Sometimes, life just seems to get in the way :)

Lincoln's checkup went relatively well. I will go ahead and tell you that it has been my favorite visit yet. For the first time this pregnancy, we were able to get a 3D/4D glance into my womb and see Lincoln's sweet baby face. This was such an incredible moment. I don't remember getting so emotional seeing Rocco's ultrasound, but this time I was a mess. Lincoln is SO beautiful! He looks so happy and peaceful, and he is absolutely PERFECT to me. I couldn't help the tears that began to flow as I looked on such a beautiful blessing. It was such a touching moment for me, and I just couldn't help but keep telling the ultrasound tech, and the nurse, and the doctor, and anyone else who would listen (!) just how perfect and beautiful he is.  Also, part of my early pregnancy dream was confirmed. Lincoln looks JUST LIKE Rocco (and in turn, Tommy!) did on his 3D ultrasound. Like father, like two sons! I am still holding out for a head full of dark hair :)  Lincoln also had his little hand up on his head and refused to move it. This is a definite Rocco trait, as he constantly has his hands in his hair, and especially when he is sleepy. It is amazing to see the similarities between my two boys even at this stage. What a joyful early Mother's Day gift!

As for the rest of the ultrasound, the findings were relatively the same as they have been. The cerebellum still measures 2.5 to 3 weeks behind (still, 2.5 is a little better than previously!). As Lincoln grows, they are able to tell that there is a definite enlargement of one side of the heart. A stenosis (blockage) is still expected to be present somewhere in the heart, but is way too small to be visible on ultrasound. I think that this heart issue has become the most pressing matter overall. All of Lincoln's other organs appear to be developing normally. His weight/size has also become a little stunted in the last month. He only gained exactly one pound in a month, which is less than most other babies would. He weighed in at a whopping 2 lbs. 13 oz. and was in the 10th percentile. He is now labeled as "small for gestational age", but not yet as "growth restricted". The flow of blood from his cord is still excellent, so this is not a condition of him not receiving the proper nutrition, but rather is a symptom of his diagnosis. I am suspicious (and I believe the doctors are as well) that the lack of growth might have something to do with the heart issue. We go back a week from tomorrow for additional monitoring, so I am hoping and praying that he will pick up the speed and pack on the pounds :)  I remember with Rocco I was terrified of him being too big as he was consistently in the 90th percentile, so it is a little strange to be at the opposite end of the spectrum. One question that I thought to ask about was Linc's eyes. I have read several blogs of trisomy mothers that have noted that their children had no eyes or had severe eye deformities. Linc's face looked "normal" to me, but the ultrasound tech noted that she couldn't see everything that she needed to (possibly from all of the shadows on the ultrasound), but that his little eyes don't look exactly perfect. I only mention this as an added prayer for his little body, as in the overall scheme of things it matters not to me whether his eyes will open and close, but only if he draws breath and survives. After next week's appointment (which is an astounding and unbelievable 32 weeks gestation), we will start our weekly treks to the doctor. We have ultrasounds at every appointment from here on out. Last week, a biophysical profile (bpp) was done to measure vitals such as blood flow in the cord, amount of amniotic fluid, visibility of baby's breathing practices, etc. Lincoln's score was an 8/8, so we were very pleased with that. We could clearly see his breathing practice and were overjoyed!

This last appointment was very emotional for me. It is so hard to go into the doctor's office and see women who are there because of the poor choices that they make regarding their own health and the health of their babies, and not because of circumstances that are beyond their control. I continue to see pregnant women walk in holding nothing in their hands but a pack of cigarettes, or see others who are clearly flying pretty high on something. It breaks my heart and makes me want to scream!  I cannot even imagine what the health care professionals of this office have to see on a daily basis and the burden that they carry as a result. Let me take this moment to give a huge shout out to the Fort Sanders Perinatal Center, and Drs. Roussis and Stephens. I have been beyond blessed by the care and love shown to me by the staff, and I could never thank them enough for their compassion and empathy. As we met with the nurse I shared with her some of my feelings and she was quick to agree. She mentioned how another family had recently been in and had suffered a great loss, and how she cannot comprehend why some families that seem to "have it all together, clearly want their child and do everything in their power to help them, and do all of the right things" seem to be the ones that always suffer the great losses (not that any family ever should, but it is hard to understand how people can abuse children and still have no pregnancy complications). I, however, felt like I knew some of the answer. First of all, we do not know God's plans, which is why we cannot fathom why things like this happen. But second, because these special babies need the best possible chances to survive and thrive, they deserve all of the love and care (and probably more) that a fully healthy child does. And I think God picks special families for that, although I can't imagine why we were chosen as special. I read a statistic this week on CNN that 92% of children diagnosed as Down's Syndrome are aborted. Maybe we are considered special because of our belief in life from conception, and our choice to let God be in control of Lincoln's life in all capacities. I just don't know the answers or many of the questions, except that God is always right. And His name is worthy to be praised. God is good...all the time.

This leads me to my Mother's Day "sermon" that I felt led to share today at church. Let me say that before Lincoln, I never would have felt comfortable sharing my feelings and my walk of faith with others on such a public platform. I never felt like I had a testimony that was strong enough, or powerful enough, or that wasn't plain old ordinary. I know that is not true, but that was the devil trying to fill my head with insecurities and keep me from fulfilling God's true purposes for me. I was never afraid to stand up and make an announcement, or to ask for help with the Mission Committee (I am not shy!), but I just wasn't personal. My journey with Lincoln has drastically changed that! One of the things that God has revealed to me throughout this pregnancy is that there are others who need to hear my story and can benefit from it. And my only job is to just share. How His grace, and His mercy, and His love are sufficient for me. Seems easy enough, but something I wouldn't have been comfortable doing before. God definitely works in mysterious ways :) One of Lincoln's many blessings to me has been to see how his story is already changing lives and hearts. I am so blessed when people tell me little things about something I have shared that have made a difference to them. And it is not me that makes the difference, but He that is in me, and the story of faith that He is weaving through Lincoln. So today I shared a few words about mothers:

"Mother's Day has been bittersweet for me this year. I have two sons. One who is playing in the nursery, and one who is due to be born on July 16th. And my sweet son Lincoln has been diagnosed by the medical community as having a condition that is "incompatible with life",  or trisomy 13. Therefore, I am not sure if I will have another Mother's Day with him. I am not sure if he will ever run up to me and tell me that he loves me and say "Happy Mother's Day, Mom", so today is precious to me. Thankfully, our hope is not in medical professionals, but our hope is in Jesus Christ. We pray for God's will for Lincoln, but we are also human and that is hard, because we want our child to live. If you have a child, please hug them a little tighter today. Tell them how much you love them and how special they are. And please don't take for granted your time together. We are not guaranteed another day, and I might not even be around to tell my own mother Happy Mother's Day next year, so make sure that you make the most of each moment. Even when your son is scratching your face, or climbing on something that he shouldn't be on, take a deep breath and thank God for your children. And love them."

"For those of you that have lost your mothers, I would ask you to share my special perspective today. My husband and I have lost four children who never saw the light of this world, but who see clearly the glory of Heaven. I like to think that all of the mother's that have gone on before us are there to take care of the sweet babies that have gone too soon. I know that there are mother's up there rocking my babies for me right now, until the day when I will be called home and can hold them in my own arms. I am thankful for those mothers, and I am thankful that the ones that they left behind here on this earth are willing to share the blessing of their mothers with my own little ones."

"Finally, for those of you who are suffering from infertility, or for those who are single and think there is no hope for you to have children, I have been there. Before Rocco, we suffered from infertility for several years. I know that there are no words to say on this day to offer you comfort or that will make it better. But I pray with you."

"Please remember our family, and remember baby Lincoln. He could make his entrance into this world tomorrow or in another 9 weeks...we just don't know. But we pray that there will be breath in his little lungs, and no matter how long he is destined to be with us, we will love and cherish him unconditionally."

After typing all of this it almost sounds to me like I am trying to "toot my own horn", so to speak. Please know that is not my intention, but only to share my journey and what God continues to reveal to me through this pregnancy. It is my heart's only desire that someone might be helped from the words on these pages (not my words, but words that He has written on my heart), and that someone might come to know Him throughout this mess that is my writing. I thank you all for letting me open my heart and share a piece of myself with you. May God continue to bless each of you, and for all of the moms....a Happy Mother's Day :)

Little Moments

Where to begin this time? How about with my last doctor's appointment on Monday, where I endured the ever famous glucose tolerance test (aka testing for gestational diabetes). This test always brings an impending sense of dread. I had gestational diabetes with Rocco, and the odds of having it a second time are much greater if you have had it previously. So I went in on Monday morning expecting to sit for three hours while I waited to give blood the required amount of times...enough poking to make me look like a drug user in one arm. Ugh! So there I sat, languishing over the likely potential for failure. Anyone who knows me personally knows that failing a test and my name do not go in the same sentence :) I was an extremely anal student, and to this day I still have (literal) nightmares that I show up for class and have either not studied for an exam or forgotten my homework. (Yes, I know, I am SUCH a dork!) Test over, I went on with my day, awaiting the dreaded phone call with negative results. Phone calls are only made when you fail, so I was praying that my phone wouldn't ring! And when 4:30 rolled around and I hadn't heard from the nurse, I was getting pretty excited. Of course, I didn't really believe that I had passed the test until the next evening...I was so sure that somehow the nurses had been too busy to call and tell me the bad news on that day, so I wasn't going to celebrate until two days passed with no phone calls :) And guess what....I PASSED! This was an exciting moment for me for a few reasons: a. it is so much more healthy for Lincoln AND for me (best reason) and b. I LOVE sweets! I can't help it, and I AM pregnant! So now I get to indulge in the occasional extra special dessert and not have to worry about checking my sugar or counting carbs. Thank goodness! Definitely a little blessing and an answered prayer!

I didn't have an ultrasound at my office visit that day, just a doppler to hear the heartbeat. Heart is still going strong at 140 bpm, and all other things seem stable. And I still have a hard time wrapping my brain around it. Have I mentioned how active he is?! Also, Tommy felt him kick for the first time last Sunday on the way home from church. It was so wonderful I thought I was going to cry! The excitement of Lincoln's daddy getting to feel his movements and bond with him in that way for the first time was so awesome. Tommy looked so proud, and he has actually felt him just about every day since then. Lincoln is such a little trickster, he was just joking with his daddy and playing shy. I have no idea where he gets that sense of humor :)

So last night I had a little moment. We have been so busy and things have been going so well that I have managed to not sit around and just think about all of the what ifs and possible scenarios. But, last night, I attended a friend's wedding. And it was beautiful, and emotional (I always cry at weddings), and it was hard for me. I was doing fine up until the dj called for the groom to dance with his momma. Even fine up until the point when they asked all mothers and sons to join them on the dance floor...and that is when I lost it. I had to get up and hustle to the bathroom. And then the tears came (so they may have come before then, but I was trying to disguise them as the usual wedding emotions). I couldn't help but think that in all likelihood Lincoln and I won't dance at his wedding, that I won't see him graduate, and that I won't get to hold his first baby. And I just became overwhelmed with a feeling of helpless emotion. But some good friends expected my feelings and followed me to the restroom, and I was wrapped in loving hugs and the reassurance of God's love for me. Then I dried it up and went out to continue the celebration of new beginnings and everlasting love. And I started thinking of all of the things in life that are unknown. There are no guarantees. It is possible that even Rocco and I may never dance at his wedding. Maybe he'll never get married, or maybe I won't be around. I pray that God will allow me the privilege of seeing my children grow and prosper, and God-willing, to be a grandma, too! But only He knows the map of our futures. And you know, I wouldn't even want to know anyways. If I knew when my time on earth was up, I know for a fact that I would do things differently. We all would. But I also think that I would miss out on all of those little moments in life that are so mundane, and ordinary, and well...perfect. And I started to thank God for rocking chairs on front porches, the sound of Rocco's laughter, when my husband takes my hand for no apparent reason, and the sneaky smile that I share with my dad as we are trying to play a trick on my gullible mom (and all the good southern girls say "bless her heart!"). And I am reminded again that each day is a blessing. Each hour, each minute, each second, each breath. And Lincoln is my blessing. Each day that my pregnancy continues, each minute up until his birth, and each little breath that he will breathe when he makes his entrance into this crazy world. And I thank God for little blessings. And that I don't know what He plans for Lincoln, but I trust that whatever it is is in His hands, and is already marked on the roadmap of Lincoln's sweet life. And I try to take a moment to just breathe, and to take in all of the lessons that He is sharing with me on this journey. And I ask Him for the ability to continue with a positive attitude, and a mindset of His grace and mercy being sufficient for me during this time. I pray that He will forgive my doubts and my fears about tomorrow, instead of placing everything in His hands. The truth is that I don't need to study for this test, because I know the answers reside in my heart because He is there. And He doesn't ever fail. Ever. He always knows the answers, even when my troubled heart wants to deny the truths or second guess His guidance.  And because He is such an awesome teacher, He never fails to gently show me how His way is always the right way.

I must admit, I have had some difficulty with my prayers recently. My heart longs to trust fully in His will for Lincoln, but my flesh wants to beg Him for mercy and healing for my sweet boy. What mother wouldn't want that? And I begin to ask myself if it is contradictory for me to pray for His will, but at the same time to pray for total healing for Lincoln? I have come to the realization that although it is right for me to pray for His will, it is also right for me to lay my heart at His feet and to ask Him for the desires of my heart. The scripture says that He wants to give me the desires of my heart, and He wants me to ask Him. But He also expects for me to bend to His will for my life. I guess that means that no matter what happens, I can always ask for what I want or need, and He will make the ultimate decision about whether or not that is truly something that is right for me. And when He decides, I need to trust in His plan. After all, He has the map. And in the times when my heart is so broken and I don't know or can't even begin to pray, I lean on His word in Romans 8:26-27 "In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words; and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God". I thank God for sending me His Holy Spirit, because I cannot count the times that I have sat in His presence with no words, but an ache in my heart that speaks volumes louder than anything I could express with mere murmurings.

So I thank Him for the intercession of the Holy Spirit, for His blessings on me, and for little moments that bring joy and life to the routine of every day. Oh, and for cookie cakes :)

26 Weeks and Counting

So yesterday was Lincoln's first doctor visit in a month...time seemed to fly but also to drag! We were so excited for the opportunity to see our little man again! I feel so much like I already know him as he is always with me and kicking around like crazy, but I feel bad that Tommy still hasn't been able to feel his kicks. Not unusual with my children, as Rocco liked to play oppossum when his daddy tried to feel his movements, too. Was reassured at the appointment yesterday that Tommy should be able to feel him very soon :)

Now, on for the news everyone has been waiting for! When we left the doctor we felt like we had a really great appointment. Everyone seemed really happy to see us (I know, most likely my imagination again!), and we were just happy to be there. Lincoln's ultrasound went really well. We had our favorite ultrasound tech, and now that there is an actual diagnosis it seems like everyone is more willing to tell us information. I guess there is less of a liability that they might tell us something incorrect than before, or else they have just gotten more accustomed to us and all of our questions :) Here is a rundown of all of the particulars:

1. Cerebellum - At last appointment, the cerebellum measured four weeks behind. This time, it only measured three weeks behind, so we had a little bit of "catch-up". Praise God for small blessings!

2. Fetal Bladder and Kidneys - Look good. Ultrasonographer said that if she was measuring any other 26 week old that had the same size kidneys/bladder as Lincoln's that they would be classified as normal. Praise God!

3. Growth is right on track for a baby of his gestational age. He weighed in at a whopping 1 lb. 13 oz., so almost two full pounds already. I knew the kicks were getting harder, but geesh! I guess I have been expecting a "small for term" baby as they like to say, but they said he was right on track for growth. He did measure 30th percentile, which is alot smaller than Rocco ever was, but I am hoping that means as easier delivery :) Overall, they were very happy with his growth pattern.

4. Amniotic fluid looks good, blood flow in the cord still good. Everything appears to be stable!

5. No evidence of a cleft lip. We saw his little face and he just looked so sweet!

6. Heart - Only area that had not been closely looked at previously. From all appearances, valves, etc. seem to be working fine. No holes or abnormalities of that type were seen. The right side of the heart did appear slightly enlarged, so a stenosis is expected at some place, but very unlikely that we will be able to see on ultrasound (a stenosis is just a narrowing of an artery somewhere). I think when she told us there was a stenosis that she didn't expect us to know what that was....but, being the medically minded people that we are (ha!), we knew from experience with none other than our dog! Our dog is a miracle dog in his own right and the story is too long to share here, but basically he is a walking miracle, too! Therefore, from our experience with the dog, we know that proper treatment can alleviate the symptoms of a stenosis in some cases to prevent surgical intervention.  I guess in the grand scheme of things, this didn't seem like such a big deal, and we will just watch it and wait to see what happens. I know, it sounds ridiculous to not be worrying about a heart issue, but we are learning to not sweat the small stuff. Right now, Lincoln's survival is first and foremost on our minds. We'll deal with whatever comes after that.

One very sweet thing that touched me about the ultrasound was regarding Lincoln's little baby feet. For some reason at night when I am sleepy and trying to fall asleep, I unconsciously rub my feet together. I have always done this and I guess it must be comforting to me. I don't even realize I am doing it until Tommy will stick his foot over on my feet and pin them down because I am "making the covers move too much" with my feet rubbing. I think it must be an inherited trait, because my mom also does this :) So we are watching the ultrasound and trying to get a good look at Lincoln's feet, only to discover that he has one foot on top of the other and appears to be rubbing his feet together. When the sonographer commented on it, Tommy and I both smiled and told her about my bizarre habit. Seems that he definitely inherited this from his mommy! We even got a little picture of his feet on top of each other. Already so much like his momma, bless his sweet heart!

We had a wonderful Easter Sunday and celebrated our Risen Savior, and then on Easter evening Tommy surprised me with tickets to Cirque du Soleil as an early birthday present. It was very loud in the arena, and I swear Lincoln has never kicked quite so much as he did during the show. He must have been ultra stimulated by all of the loud noise and the bright flashing lights, not to mention the very cold Sprite that I was sipping! I just never tire of feeling him rustle around in my belly.

Oh, and I almost forgot to mention my answered prayer! As I had said in the last post, I was pretty sure that Lincoln had turned head down...and he has! I know it is still early, but I was relieved and thankful to God for providing me that sense of peace. I was worried because from alot of literature I have read, babies with special needs often can't figure out how to turn in the womb for some reason. Now I know for sure that Lincoln can and will, as I am sure he is going to be rolling around happily for several weeks to come before he settles into his final birthing position. Still, I praise God for small blessings!

Please continue to pray for baby Lincoln. We are praying for God's will in his life, and just asking that if it be His will, that Lincoln be healed of Trisomy 13. We continue to pray for what is best for Lincoln regardless of what happens. I continue to be inspired and encouraged by stories of survival and hope, a good example of which is Bella Santorum. Please keep this child in your prayers as well as she was recently released from the hospital for complications from Trisomy 18. Regardless of political affiliation, the Santorum family has been an advocate for the children affected by trisomies, and I am thankful to hear of their story of hope and faith in regards to their little girl.

Also at our appointment, a very pregnant woman walked into the office with her wallet and none other than her pack of Marlboro reds. I was so disgusted and thought "REALLY?" Have you no shame? Then God laid it on my heart to pray for her and her baby. Her name was Kristin. Please join me in lifting her up. We don't know the situation, but God does, and he knows her baby as well. I pray for the baby's health and safekeeping, too.

I continue to be amazed at the blessings being poured over me and Tommy during this time. Someone shared a story with me today about a man who was going thru alot of storms. He was deep in the valley, but he was so excited and happy about being there. When asked why, he replied that he knew that he would be marching up the mountain soon, and that God had wonderful plans for his journey up the side of the hill and to the top. Wow, what a wonderful testimony of how we should praise God in our darkest hours! I pray that His grace and mercy would cover me in my darkest times so that I might continue to sing His praises and realize that His plan for me will be worth it all in the end.

With love, hope for Lincoln, and faith in His plan...

Anticipation

So it has been over a week since I have written. There are lots of reasons, but one is just that I haven't been in the mood. I think lots of writers (ha! I am including myself in that category!) will tell you that it seems easier to write in times of desperation. I don't really know why...why can't we share our joy when things are going well? I guess what I am trying to say is that I have just been too content and happy with life these last few days :)

As we are in the middle of Holy Week, I find myself anticipating the celebration of Easter. What a joyful time of year for Christians! I feel like alot of times Easter just seems to be overlooked, in a sense. Without the worldly trappings of Santa Claus, jingle bells, and eight tiny reindeer, non-believers definitely don't have much to occupy their minds; unfortunately, without this type of decorum, I think alot of believers get lost in the mix, too. I want to encourage everyone to really take the time to CELEBRATE Easter this season. Without Easter, there is no salvation. No gift of eternity with Jesus. No hope in this life or any other. Thank Him for that this year. Anticipate Easter and all of the blessings that you have!

I am also anticipating my next doctor's appointment. We go back to the doctor on Monday and I am very excited. It has been a whole month since we have been and gotten to see sweet Lincoln on ultrasound. I think a month is the longest I have ever gone in a pregnancy with no doctor visits. I think I went a minimum of every two weeks with Rocco, so a month has seemed like quite a long time! It has actually passed very quickly, but I can't wait to see Lincoln's little face again! He has been VERY active lately, and I know that he is growing quite big and strong. His little kicks are getting alot harder and much more frequent, so I know that he is a growing boy...not to mention the growing size of my belly. I oftentimes forget his diagnosis as he seems to be growing so perfectly inside my womb. I would have thought that he wouldn't have been as active or as big as a child with the "correct" number of chromosomes, but he is surprising me everyday. Thank God! I find such joy in each little kick, and I am just so thankful to have this time to just absorb this pregnancy and its delightfulness. I am one of those women that is unduly and nauseatingly happy with being pregnant. I absolutely love everything about it...maybe that is because we tried for so long and so hard to have children, and I just feel supremely blessed by the opportunity to carry a child.

I must admit, however, that I have been apprehensive this month. It is so difficult to deal with all of the emotions of what should I do, what should I believe, are we making the right decisions about the birth plan, etc. etc. Everywhere I go I am inundated with information and opinions, and it can be hard to keep focus. For instance, I have been very apprehensive because Lincoln was previously in a breech position. First of all, I am only 25 weeks. Not something I really need to be worrying about, but something that my OCD has had me obsessing over. Lord, please forgive my unbelief in Your perfect timing and Your plan! This is just one small example of something I have had to pray about and just give up to God. I know that He is going to take care of me throughout this whole process, and that He ultimately knows what is best for me and Lincoln, but at the end of the day I am still human and sometimes doubts arise in my mind. However, I started praying that Lincoln would not be breech at our next appointment, and I can say that I truly think God has already answered my prayer. In the last few days in Lincoln's very active moments, I have been feeling his punches and kicks on the upper part of my stomach. I am pretty sure he couldn't punch this hard with his little hand, so I am thinking it has to be a little foot. Another thing that seems a little strange is that I have an anterior placenta, so I supposedly should not be able to feel as much movement as I did with Rocco, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I am SO thankful to God that I  am feeling each tiny movement, as I am so reassured by each one. Praise the Lord!

I have two things I wanted to share with you regarding my studies of the scriptures that have really touched me lately. First, I was reading about Lazarus. Lazarus was a dear friend of Jesus, and everyone knows that Lazarus passed away while Jesus was away. When Jesus returned to find the sisters of Lazarus devastated over his death, He also became filled with sorrow. And, as all good little Sunday School children know as the Bible trivia answer of "What is the shortest verse in the Bible?"....Jesus wept. Two little words. And the night I read them they hit me like a one-two punch. Jesus wept. He wept for the loss of His dear friend, for the pain of Lazarus' family, and he wept for...me. Jesus understands my pain and suffering, He understands what I am going through, and He cares. I have heard this verse a thousand times and it never touched me in the same way. Jesus was fully human and fully God. He knows what it is like to suffer adversity, sadness, feelings of hopelessness and despair. He understands. He is empathetic to my needs and my fears. He weeps with me when I weep, and He catches each of my tears in His hand and intercedes with the Father for me. Wow. What a blessing to be thankful for this Easter.

The next passage that struck me was in Luke as Jesus went to the Garden to pray to His Father. Jesus prayed fervently that His life be spared and that if there was any other way to redeem the world, that God might make it so (note that this is my paraphrasing and some of my own conjecture). Jesus knew the pain that was to come to Him. He knew God's plan and he pleaded with God for mercy. Jesus, God's own son, pleaded with His Father for a different outcome. How often have I done that?! How often do I want what I think is best for me, not what my Father in Heaven has planned? Ultimately, Jesus consecrates His own will to align perfectly with the plans of His Father. "Not my will, but Yours be done." What a truly amazing example. I thought this was so profound. Here is Jesus, God in the flesh, praying to His Father for a potentially different outcome than his cruel death on the cross. Jesus was fully human. He had to be terrified at the prospect of what was to come. He knew the depths of suffering that were in store, and he begged the Father for another way, if possible. But God knew the only way to give salvation to EVERYONE was for Jesus to hang on that tree at Calvary and die for our sins. And Jesus matched His will with the will of His Father, and I am the one to gain. Lord, help me to never forget the gravity of the gift that you provided in the crucifixion of your Son. Father God, I pray for the strength and the courage to accept Your perfect will for my life and for Lincoln's, and I pray for peace in knowing that You hold our futures in Your mighty hands. Help me to know that there is nothing that I can say or do that is better than Your will for me.

I feel like I have done alot of preaching in this blog :) (Look out Pastor Marc!) But God is continually revealing His blessings to me throughout this pregnancy. He has drawn me closer to Him than ever before, and He is giving me peace, strength, courage, and a willingness to share His story through the events of my life that I have never been comfortable sharing before. And all of this is a part of Lincoln's Legacy. God shared His Son with the entire world as a sacrifice for our sins, and I feel that He wants me to share Lincoln's story as a way to bless others. I have felt so incredibly blessed by so many family and friends and even complete strangers. It is hard to explain, but I want to be able to bless and help others during this time. It is hard to be the one to receive all of the blessings and not want to go out and do something for someone else. I am still trying to learn to give less of me, and more of Him that is within me. Please continue to pray for our doctor's appointment on Monday. I would ask for total healing for my son; but ultimately, may Your will be done, and may whatever happens be what is best for Lincoln.