In the beginning...

Tommy and I were married almost 10 years ago at the tender age of 19. I honestly cannot believe that it has been that long! From the very beginning it was never a question of if we wanted children, but when we would have them. In fact, one of Tommy's "deal-breakers" was that our first son must be named Thomas (Tommy is the 4th generation of Thomas in his family). Since there is already a Thomas, Tom, and Tommy, I was adamant that the first name could be Thomas, but that he was going to go by his middle name. And so, on October 18, 2010, we were blessed by God and given Thomas Rocco Aloisi, who continues to amaze, delight, and confuse us all at the same time! However, prior to Rocco's arrival, the path to our pregnancy was not easy. After we married, we moved to Virginia Beach, VA, where Tommy was stationed with the US Navy. I was apprehensive to think about being pregnant while I was away from my family (ok, my mom especially!), and since we spent alot of time apart while he was on deployments, we decided to wait a few years to have children. Sometimes I wonder if maybe God didn't want us to wait and maybe that is why I had so many problems, but looking back I think that He knew that I would need the full emotional support of my family surrounding me when we came back to TN.

In January 2008, we started trying to conceive a pregnancy. Call it naivete, but I was just sure that it would happen right away. I had never had any kind of female problems and had very normal cycles, so I thought it was just a matter of one month and we would be expecting. After three months I did get a little upset, but then on the fourth month the magic happened, so to speak :) I will not forget the day we found out we were pregnant. I must have taken about three tests. I was elated and on cloud nine until about 5 weeks into the pregnancy, when I started spotting blood. Very disconcerting, yes, but from everything that I read this could be a normal occurrence, especially this early in the pregnancy. So we went in for our first ultrasound a few weeks later, and you can imagine our shock to learn that we were being doubly blessed with twins! However, after seeing the imagine on the screen I noticed the ultrasound tech looked a little strange. She never said anything to us except that she needed to get the doctor, which left us with a sick feeling in our stomachs. When the doctor came in, he told us that there were no heartbeats visible. Yes, we were still quite early and twins tend to grow a little slower, so he thought we should recheck in a week. We were also told at that time that we were carrying mono-mono twins, which means that the babies were in the same gestational sac and shared a placenta. This is the most risky of all twin pregnancies, as often times the babies become entangled in their own cords and oxygen deprivation occurs. We just knew that things were going to be ok and we left with a positive outlook. Besides, I continued to be very sick every morning, so we took that as a good sign. However, we returned the next week full of hopeful anticipation, and we were crushed to see no fetal heartbeats. We were devastated. A D&C was ordered and the next day I found myself in surgery, waking up to the idea that I was no longer carrying two precious lives inside of me. Because the loss was quite early and it was my first, it was looked at mainly as a "fluke". Of course you are told that a very high percentage of pregnancies end in miscarriage, and things like this just happen. Tommy and I began to think that maybe we were spared the pain of carrying these children for several months and then having something tragic happen. We were grasping for any reason as to why our babies might have been taken from us. Still, we desperately wanted children and wanted to try again right away.

Our second pregnancy was conceived three months later. We were terribly excited, and I was terribly scared. I was terrified to go to the bathroom and see blood. Then again, at approximately the same exact time frame as I lost my twins, I began to bleed. This time, there was no denying what was happening. I remember going in for bloodwork at my doctor about two days prior, and they called me back on the day of the miscarriage to let me know that my progesterone levels were low. I had to tell them that they had called too late. At this point, my resolve started to waver. I was only 25 years old and had lost two pregnancies. I began to fear that I would never be able to have children. I think it was this thought that really sent me into a tailspin. After the first miscarriage, I still believed that it was just one of those things that happened, but that I would still be a mother soon. After the second miscarriage, I sunk into a deep depression. I didn't even really realize it for several months. This happened in August, and I knew I needed a few months to process everything. After meeting again with my regular OB, we decided that we needed to be proactive in my pregnancy planning. Because of my low progesterone levels, I was prescribed Clomid (a fertility drug) that would make my eggs "healthier" each month. I was also give a blood test to check for abnormalities and several other tests to determine that I was physically capable of carrying a child...all came back normal.

Fast forward a whole year. Twelve cycles of Clomid, twelve months of massive disappointments. It's hard to describe to women who have no trouble having children what it feels like to go through infertility. And by no means am I an expert. We struggled for about 3 years before I had my son, but that is minuscule compared to the trials that some women go through. I can sympathize with their sorrows, and it breaks my heart, because I understand their hurts. Thinking that I could never have children was the absolute worst case scenario. When I was growing up, people would ask what I wanted to be....I never could decide what to do professionally, but I was always emphatic to say that I wanted to be a mommy :)

It was about this time that I decided to "take the bull by the horns" and seek out an additional opinion from a reproductive endocrinologist (fancy name for a fertility specialist). Enter Dr. Doody. Tommy and I met with him and left the office feeling positive about a potential pregnancy for the first time in two years. We had been praying so desperately for a baby. It is important to note that I fully believe that God had the power to open my womb whenever He saw fit to bless, but I also believe that he gives certain individuals the special gift of medicine to share with others, and this is their ministry. Let me say that every single one of my doctors have been wonderful, and all are believers in the Great Physician, which makes a huge difference in their outlook on patient care. So, Dr. Doody prescribes a battery of blood tests for both Tommy and me. When the results came back, we were a little surprised to learn that both of us carried something in our genetics that caused a blood clotting issue for a pregnancy (this was especially surprising for me to learn, since I had been tested at my regular OB's office). We were given the news that once I got pregnant (and I loved how Dr. Doody said that when it did happen, not if it happened), then I would have to take daily shots of blood thinner in my tummy, as well as aspirin (and that would need to happen every day for the rest of my life), as well as additional supplemental vitamins. I could have cared less what I had to do, I would have done anything to be pregnant. Since I was already on the Clomid, Dr. Doody wanted to do a progesterone test to see how my levels were without it. Apparently they were very poor, because it was determined that taking it was a necessity. It was also determined that since I had been on the Clomid for a year without a pregnancy, then I likely had "hostile cervical mucus"....REALLY? Hostile? The "bypass" around this gang of invaders that did not want me pregnant was to use intra-uterine insemination (ok folks, that is basically turkey basting!). I know this is ALOT of information and maybe too personal to share, but it is important for me to give you guys an idea of the whole process that we have been through and everything that we have to go through in order to even get pregnant in the first place. (It does have an impact on my feelings about everything.) Finally, on our third IUI procedure, we saw two pink lines on the pregnancy test :)

We were elated. Finally! And I felt like this time we were taking the right steps to try to ensure a healthy outcome. My blood was drawn 2 times a week for the first twelve weeks to check my hormone levels. The shots didn't hurt too much, but they left nasty bruises and knots on my tummy. I was thrilled to overlook these and actually wore them as a badge of honor as proof of my impending mommyhood. At 8 weeks I had another spotting scare. At this point I was beginning to think that this was just par for the course for me, but after a day it subsided and I began to feel relieved. I will never forget the first time we saw our sweet baby on ultrasound or heard his little heartbeat. Blessed does not even come close to the gratitude I felt for the opportunity to carry my sweet baby. I was gonna be a mommy! It is at this point that I was referred to a high-risk OB given my history and my blood thinning issue. This is where some of the fun starts...

Prior to being pregnant I would get so angry with women who literally could have snapped their fingers and gotten pregnant. I would hate it when people would ask how they felt and they would say "aarrgh...pregnant!" or always complain about being miserable. I would have given a kidney to be miserable! It is very hurtful to a woman experiencing infertility to hear others complain about the blessing that they are carrying, so I just tried to avoid pregnant women when possible. Mind you, at the time of my second miscarriage I was surrounded by what seemed like a baby boom. I knew greater than ten women who were pregnant, and it was difficult to see them deliver healthy babies and think I might never have one. But I digress, so back to the specialist's office. Their office is one of only two in Knoxville that is high risk, and I think they must be the only one that takes TennCare. Let me say first of all that there is nothing wrong with TennCare when it is used in the correct capacity. However, the majority of women that I see in the waiting room at my office are there for personal choices and not because their condition was medically induced...alcohol, tobacco, and smoking. It is a rare day that I don't leave the office and see at least one pregnant woman standing outside smoking. It makes me literally sick to my stomach. If some of these women didn't look so mean, I would probably have spoken my mind by this point :) Talk about difficult to comprehend and understand God's plan...women who can care less that they are carrying a child are given this greatest blessing. It confounds my mind. I truly had to give this up to God, because I really really really struggled with this one. I also pray for the nurses and doctors, because they see it and it breaks their hearts, but they are doing it for the children and the right reasons, and they are special people to be able to handle these sensitive situations.

My pregnancy with Rocco was the most joyful time of my life. I had LOTS and LOTS of complications, but nothing that affected the baby. Gestational diabetes: check! Strep B positive: check! PUPPS: check! But fast forward to October 18, 2010, the day that forever changed our lives when our sweet little ray of sunshine Thomas Rocco Aloisi was born! His birth is a little blurry for me as I was a little doped up, but I remember him being whisked immediately away and not being allowed to hold him. Rocco had aspirated meconium during the birth and had a collapsed lung. He never cried when he came out. I kept questioning why and I was told that he would be ok. An hour later and we still hadn't heard anything. I was busy sleeping off the morphine shots that I had been given, and my poor husband and mom paced the floor in the delivery room fearing the worst. Finally, Rocco was wheeled into the room in an incubator before be taken over to East Tennessee Children's Hospital. He had a chest tube and all of these wires hooked to him. We were so scared but relieved to see him stabilized. Rocco was a little fighter, and did extremely well in recovery. We still had to stay a week in the NICU for IV antibiotics, but it was a joyful day when he received a clean bill of health and we took him home.

Rocco was actually a wonderful baby. No, he didn't sleep through the night until he was about 15 months old!, but he was literally one of the happiest babies I had ever seen. He wasn't one to whine or cry alot, and we just felt so blessed to have a healthy and happy child. It wasn't very long before his loving nature made us start to want another baby. Why not, he needed a playmate, and we wanted our children to be close in age so that they could grow up together and be best friends.  So when Rocco was about nine months old, we decided to start the fertility process once more. I figured "Hey, this will be a piece of cake. They know what is wrong with me and how to fix it so that I can carry to term, so we've got this!". On our third round of IUI, the positive result appeared. I went in for my requisite bloodwork and the pregnancy was confirmed. A few days later I went back for more bloodwork. This time, they called with not so good news. My progesterone levels had dropped dramatically (basically, they were at a level that said I wasn't pregnant), so I should expect what was coming. Again?! Surely this isn't happening again! The two days that I had to wait between the phone call and the bleeding began were horrible. I thought "well, maybe they are wrong", but I couldn't help but feel the tell-tale cramping in my lower back. After this happened, I spoke with the nurse who said that they didn't believe that this miscarriage had anything to do with my "problems", but again, I was probably just one of the statistics. Here we go again...

It's funny, because although I was still crushed after another loss (I now have four sweet angels in Heaven), this one was easier to swallow than the others. I knew that I could get pregnant and carry to term, as Rocco was the perfect example of that fact. And this time I didn't have to fear that I would never be a mommy, and I had a beautiful baby boy. I kept my head up, and we moved forward with trying again.

With the second round of IUI following the miscarriage, another positive pregnancy test! This was my fifth pregnancy, and so far I had one beautiful and healthy baby and four angels in Heaven. We prayed fervently for a healthy baby and a healthy pregnancy, and had no reason to believe that this wouldn't be the case. Most people will find that hard to believe after three lost pregnancies, but I had an almost childlike faith and trust in God when it came to this topic. I think I probably thought that after all that I had been through with the infertility process and the problems of Rocco's pregnancy that I had "paid my dues", so to speak. I can't begin to tell you how many people would comment on the fact that I was due to have an easy pregnancy this time. And honestly, I had to agree. I did deserve that. And more. Or so I thought. God was quick to let me know that my plans are not always His. In the coming weeks, my faith would start to mature and blossom in a way that I had never experienced before. I began to see that what I want is not always what He has in store, but that He will stand by me throughout the process. I began to understand what it meant to walk with Him through the storms of life and still be able to praise His name and glorify Him. And it is with this knowledge that the full story of Lincoln Alan Aloisi begins...may God be glorified in his sweet life and may His love be known among all that Lincoln's story will touch.